Monday, February 8, 2010

The Maturity Index: Oh, so the Super Bowl is on?

We had high hopes for old age last weekend, as Guggenheim parties and parties with people wearing masks were involved. However we know that Super Bowl Sunday is a bigger holiday for most than Easter Sunday, and here's how it went down:


-Paige is grumpy and lame after an exhausting work week and decides to stay in- Age 34

-She and her boyfriend rent "I Love You, Man" and she laughs hysterically the entire time, Jason Segal elevating her from her
grump- Age 15

-Holly and Kristy head to the last of the First Friday's at the Guggenheim to listen to DJ Chromeo while looking at Chagall- Age 30

-Holly excitedly finds a 24 oz Bud Light Lime that is classily sipped with a straw while riding train to Upper East Side- Age 20

-Holly and Kristy wait in unimaginably large line amongst a sea of hip but no hipsters wearing non-PETA friendly outerwear- Age 29

-Holly is freezing and so girls say goodbye to a younger Joan Rivers that became their "friend"-Age 12

-Holly goes to the Levy and is sure to get "training wheels" (lime and salt of course) with her $5 beer/tequila deal- Age 21

-Eats free Twizzlers while laughing/encouraging drunk man wearing a scarf as a turban dance to Motown- Age 8


-Snowday/Freezing Day-
-Paige wakes up early, "runs errands" like buying vitamins, going to the grocery store, and browsing Sephora- Age 37

-Paige goes back to Brooklyn, bakes cake for her boyfriends birthday- Age 26
-Paige decorates the cake with an icing drawing of a shark, covers cake it Swedish Fish and bright blue sprinkles- Age 12

-Paige leaves early to meet her boyfriend before dinner with his family, the C train stalls after only going one stop, fearing she'll be late, Paige goes upstairs and calls a cab. When a stranger says she's also going to the West Village and asks to share the cab with her, Paige complies. The stranger is actually going to the Lower East Side and is not a very good traveling companion as she is terrible with directions and makes Paige 15 minutes late to meet her boyfriends family. Paige has now made her boyfriends family late for every single dinner they have ever invited her to- Age 20

-After family dinner, Paige and her boyfriend change into fancy clothes and MASKS because they have a Venetian Carnival Masquerade Party to go to- Age... Hard to say, because a similar theme party was featured on Season one of Gossip Girl, but thee were lots of older people there so... wash- Age 24

-Paige gets nervous at fancy party in fancy apartment where there is a hired wait staff, DJ, stilt walker and little person in a tux running the private elevator, she panics while ordering a drink and says "umm, just make me something pink"- Age 10

-Holly buys illegibly labeled bottle of $9.99 vodka and uses this to make store brand Crystal Light/OJ/faux lemon juice/Sprite/sketchy vodka cocktails, delicious! - Age 19

-Holly and roommates and extra friends drink "cocktails" and sorta play a Scrabble type game called Bananagrams- Age 21

-Holly fails miserably at being able to spell 'cesarean' and so instead spells 'car'- Age 15
-Holly and co. go to Soda bar decked out in Valentine themed candy bracelets that Paige's adoring mother sent- Age 5

-Drink beer, eat onion rings, eat candy bracelets, and Holly gets caught lying about trivial soccer facts to random guy at bar that really looked like he lacked all sorts of knowledge especially soccer related-Age 20


-Paige, her boyfriend and roommates eat the Shark Cake for breakfast- Age 8
-There is a small quarrel about the amount of frosting each person gets- Age 4

-While watching TV, Paige stumbles upon the A&E show "Hoarders" subsequently launches into a diatribe about how disgusting it is that these people are "diagnosed" with "hoarding" while they are actually just lazy and messy and that "chronic disorganization" does not belong in the cannon of mental illnesses next to real problems and how "American" it is for people to cling desperately to their stuff because it "represents who they are". This rant makes everyone uncomfortable- Age 24 (and way too entitled)

-Paige and her boyfriend hang out at a skate shop in crown heights- Age 14

-Holly and roommate drag 4 "Hoarder"worthy sized bags of good quality used clothing to Beacon's Closet- age 30

-Holly ends up getting $11.42 in credit for a peach-colored dress she obliviously never wore and paid $4.00 for and says "suckers" as she walks out on cultish Beacons workers- Age 16

-Holly, Paige, and roommates have anti-Super Bowl pro MTV's Teen Mom and Jersey Shore marathon party- Age 14

-Everyone participates in other Super Bowl activities such as making pigs-in-a-blanket and eating them 3 minutes later- Age 14

-There was some Met Foods brand Rainbow Sherbet consumed at different parts of the day- Age 5

-Everyone retires to bed, not caring and unsure of who won the Super Bowl, but instead are grateful to not have babies and wishing for better tans and biceps on hipsters- Age 14

This weeks Maturity Index puts us at 17.9, which we understand. Last weekend we were free thinking, anti-football, pro-gorilla muscles, edible jewelry wearing, pigs-in-a-blanket consuming seventeen year-olds and we liked it. Next weekend has a love theme.

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