Maturity Index:

RUMSPRINGA

17 years

Every year the good people of the amish community allow their adolescent children to experience a time called "Rumspringa" which translates literally into "running around". After the Amish kids "run around" they are asked to decide between Amish baptism or life as a civilian. This is a true test of grit and maturity, not unlike the test of a Memorial Day, three day weekend that included a bachelorette party, a 25th birthday, massive amounts of day drinking and multiple BBQs. How did we non-Amish ladies fare when our maturity was tested with our own Rumspringa (emphasis on the rum! harharhar)? Lets find out....

Friday:
-Because she has the day off, Holly puts on a bikini under her clothes to go lay out at McCarren park-Age16
-Holly goes into bathroom to change out of bikini during lunch as it was basically late-fall weather-Age 9
-Holly and Shawn try 6 cheeses at the Bedford Cheese Shop while Holly profusely apologizes for all the effort the cheese counter guy puts into cheese samples-Age 30
-Holly makes Shawn go to Buffalo Exchange to see if they can get Holly a pair of pants to wear to dinner as Holly has dressed for the beach-Age 9
-Shawn isn't set on the J Brand flares so Holly wears Shawns pants instead- Age 13

-Paige wears a sequin glitter crop top to dinner with Steven at Mooncakes- Age 15

-Paige and Steven go to the final night of the Whitney Biennial- Age 45

-When faced with the staggering line for entry Steven employs some of his "city kid gangster shit" by pulling entry stickers off people exiting the museum, fastening the stickers to his and Paige's shirts, and explaining to the guard that they are members (not true)- Age 14

-They stop on the way home to get Chipwhiches- Age 8

Saturday:

-All the roommates lay out on the roof and use their Blackberries to track down Kristy's favorite song from adolescence "Something More Beautiful" by Nikki Webster- Age 12 (because that's probably how old Nikki was when she recorded it, and its creepy. We were going to attach a video of her singing, but this is kinda photo shoot video of her is sorta better)

-Paige and Chrissy head to Brooklyn Flea and indulge in some Asia Dogs. "Mines like a Bhan Mi but with a wiener in it!"- Age 23

-On the way to the grocery store, Paige and Chrissy detour and get pitchers of Bud Heavy at Hot Bird- Age 20

-Finally at the grocery store Chrissy and Paige pick up the ingredients for what is about to become Paige's finest mixologist achievement to date "The RUMspringa". Coconut water, orange pineapple juice, pink ginger ale, frozen strawberries.- Age 24

-Kristy and Holly's childhood friend who is soon-to-be-married comes into town with her friend, they all go to get lunch, walk the BK bridge, and then back home to get ready-Age 24

-Kristy and Holly pass out the Bachelorette party goodie bags they made consisting of:
-2 Tootsie Pops each -Age 6
-1 Candy necklace each (only to be eaten by BOYS)- Age 15
-1 String of silver Mardi Gras beads- Age 13
-2 White hair barrettes shaped like bows-Age 2
-1 pair glitter Hello Kitty heart-shaped plastic sunglasses-Age 4
-1 puffy painted shirt reading "Game On" (The bride-to-be read "Game On") -Age 24
-Everyone drinks lots and dances to Holly's wedding/love/lust including "Going to the Chapel" by the Dixie Cups and "Single Ladies", obviously-Age 21

-Paige gets a little feisty from the Red Bull and smack-talks the creepy drunk bald man saying gross things to the girls on the subway platform. Paige's "feisty" attitude and filthy mouth lead the Midwestern out-of-town girls to say, "Paige is very Philly"- Age 30 (and male, and shameful. But seriously that guy had it comin')

-The first stop off the train is Mason Dixon, all six girls line up to ride the mechanical bull, barely noticing the bar is full of sailors for Fleet Week- Age 18

Holly on bull

-Chrissy is an extremely sensual bull-rider- Age 25

-Everyone complains that that "no hot guys are buying us shots" so we leave- Age 18

-The girls finally convince one cab driver to let all 6 girls in the cab and convince him to "pump this jam!" when Bulletproof by La Roux comes on- Age 19

-An extremely sweaty dance session occurs climaxing with Paige and Holly taking turns tackling each other onto the couches in the back of Beauty Bar (Holly just remembers this as Paige dancing on the couch, decide for yourselves)- Age 14

-Somewhere along the way Paige's knee starts bleeding.- No Age, just gangster.

Blood on the Dancefloor

-Tucked into Paige's bed just in time for the sun to come up, Paige and Holly drunk dial just about everyone they know (Holly's boyfriend refused to talk about message left the next day)- Age 18

Sunday:

-Holly gets up earliest and starts making coffee, birthday muffins, fruit salad and yogurt parfaits for Kristy's 25th birthday brunch- Age 35

-Paige gets up a little later and pours Andre and off-brand orange juice into wine glasses as her brunch contribution- Age 20

-At the kitchen table the girls enjoy Holly's muffins and swap stories about embarrassing childhood moments (someone had a back brace...) and what it feels like heading toward "middle age"- Age 40

-Paige, Holly and Chrissy bring out Kristy's birthday cake. This time it has a "Stone Street" on it made out of marshmallows (Kristy meets boyfriends on Stone Street in the Financial District... you should try it!) and there is also a cat with marshmallow eyes.- Age 14

-After brunch all the girls lay on the roof and put Sun-In in their hair- Age 12

-Everyone has large bruises and even some scabbing on their inner thighs which looks like something really F*@#&d up happened, but it was all just the bull riding incident-Age 19

-After much thought, Paige and Chrissy decide they should go on the Kelly Bensimon Diet (KBD) which consists solely of beer and "gum berries" or anything with high fructose corn syrup- Age 18

-The girls lay around the apartment, watch Real Housewives, paint their nails, take naps and ask Steven to be their bartender then accuse him of skimping on the booze- Age 24

-The girls and Steven head to Chelsea for their friends rooftop BBQ, they take in the view, are inflicted with an incurable case of "apartment envy"- Age 24

-Paige and Steven head home early- Age 45

-Chrissy and Holly play a poor excuse for beer pong- Age 17

-Chrissy and Holly get the party host to pay a whopping $1.29 for Miley's party hit "Party in the USA", Holly dances to this alone while entire party, Shawn included, silently watch-Age 16
-Holly makes Shawn and Chrissy do cute poses pretending they are a couple, then she gets jealous because they do a remarkably good job-Age 16
-Holly takes a picture on her phone of Chrissy talking to a chiseled young man and sends to Paige and Kristy-Age 12
-Holly passes out in party hosts bed (alone)-Age18
-Chrissy and about 1/3 of party join in on having a sleep party, although Holly is serious about this and demands a blanket to accommodate the 85-degree weather-Age 15
-Shawn brings the girls home via taxi and puts them in bed-Age 18

Monday:

-Paige finally catches up on her sleep, snoozing in Steven's air conditioned "sleep cave" till 10:30- Age 18

this bear sleeping in a cave is totally relevant

-Paige cruises around Soho where she purchases two identical lace tank tops, a $4 dress, and (just what she needs) more bracelets. She visits Steven at Ground Support and gloats over her new (under $15!) outfit- Age 16

-Paige and Steven ride bikes around Prospect Park where Paige is awkwardly, accidentally hit with a Nerf ball while on her bike. She feels sad- Age 13

-Holly goes to Greenpoint to aid in Shawn's bbq-Age 24
-They get in a minor league fight about the amount of sausages to buy (Holly goes for the larger number, obviously)-Age 22

-Chrissy comes over (beer in hand), and Holly's friend Marissa from Minnesota comes by and everyone eat's Shawn's gourmet meal-Age 24
-Marissa, Holly, and Chrissy take a car back to Brooklyn just in time to join Paige and Steven for a bike ride to Havana Outpost for dinner and margs-Age 24

-The group snags an extremely hard-to-come-by table and Paige is given the job of warding off grumpy families who try to encroach on the territory. Paige has to get a little "Philly" a few times- Age 21

-Everyone enjoys the yummy (and environmentally friendly!) food, except Holly who feels sick and excuses herself to the street to vomit on a Mercedes- Age 15

-Back at home everyone piles on the couch, absent-mindedly flipping back and forth between The Jersey Shore and an old episode of Jackass- Age 13

So, this is uncomfortable. Kind of like an amish kid coming home to his parents after Rumspringa, knowing full-well he has to live with what he's done, but cold hard fact is that our average age from last weekend was 17 years old. There's not much more to say except that next weekend Holly turns 25. To celebrate we will be headed out of town with some of our lady friends and family ("lady" used loosely) for a romantic Atlantic City shitshow to celebrate a gaggle of summer birthdays and run a 9-person brothel out of a single hotel room. So expect next weeks Maturity Index to involve, cake, guidos, guidettes, partying in the USA and Paige pushing people into pools. But don't expect to hear the full story because like, what happens in AC STAYS IN AC.... Are we right?!!?

Forever Your Girls,
Holly and Paige

Maturity Index: Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner

So, we cant always do EVERYTHING together... Sometimes Holly has to be a surrogate sister and sometimes I have to drink a giant margarita with my best friend from high school, that doesn't mean Holly and I don't love each other.

This weekend was HOT, that means sunburns, soccer games and frozen adult beverages. Lets see how our independent weekends shook-out.

Paige:

Friday:

-Office party festivities start when Paige and Sarah open a bottle of free Prosecco that was sent to Sarah in the mail a few weeks ago, they drink out of novelty champagne glasses, co-workers join- Age 40

-Paige and Sarah, along with the office interns take a taxi to Happy Ending before the party starts to "help set up". Meaning that they ordered drinks at the bar and watched the interns struggle to set up the sound equipment- Age 23

-When Steven arrives to the party he brings Paige a duck sandwich- No age just...

-Holly and Paige take pictures together in the mirror of the bathroom, on Holly's cell phone- Age13

-Steven and Paige leave the party and go to dinner where Paige gets sleepy and grumpy when her noodles take too long to arrive, Steven puts Paige to bed shortly after- Age 6

Saturday:

-Paige wakes up and heads to the Bleeker Street book store she loves. There, she purchases "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People", she hopes this will make up for the fact that she is also purchasing "Bergdorf Blondes" which, she explains to the store owner is for "research". Paige realizes this sounds dumb and scurries out, embarrassed- Age 23

-Paige and Emily spend the early afternoon laying out on the pier off Christopher st. They eat PEZ and complain that the posse of Speedo-clad men around them are playing too much Aaliyah and not enough Gaga- Age 14

-Paige and Emily meet up with Sarah and Emily's roommate they eat a VERY early dinner at around 4:45 pm- Age 68

-At Caliente Cab where they also had 24 oz Margs in novelty glasses- Age 18

-After watching The Hills, reading Us Magazine and discussing how Shiloh Pitt is being raised as a boy, everyone starts to primp for an evening out- Age 19

-Everyone gets dressed and ready but then distracted and watches Dirty Dancing twice in a row- Age 3 (because thats how old Paige was the last time she watched Dirty Dancing twice in a row)

-Emily, Paige and Jess teach everyone their "clip on" dance move that involves interlocking knees and some synchronized bouncing.- Age 20

-After a fair amount of pre-gaming and Swayze-worshiping everyone heads to Revel in the Meatpacking District.- Age 22

-Typical Meatpacking shenanigans.... Paige has a sleep over at Em and Jess' where they gossip and eat pizza- Age 13

Sunday:

-Paige wakes up early and walks to Ground Support in Soho, complains about "schvitzing in this DISGUSTING heat", this complaint comes 4 days after her complaining "its so cold that I just want to DIE, i can barely feel my toes"- Age 70

-Paige and Chrissy lay on the roof in bikinis and talk about boys. Eventually it gets too hot and they go downstairs and order an extremely random meal from a "Chinese" Restaurant that also curiously serves mozzarella sticks, they eat their food while watching "The Hangover"... again- Age 14

-Paige and Steven get dinner at The Mermaid Inn Oyster Bar, they order the Grand Platter which includes 18 oysters, a bowl of muscles, 12 clams, six king crab legs and shrimp cocktail. Steven accuses Paige of eating 70% of the seafood treats, this is probably the case- Age 23

This weekend I hit the ripe-old age of 24.6, which is almost EXACTLY how old I actually am! I guess the best way to achieve a mature balance is complain about the weather and watch Dirty Dancing.... Lets see if Holly was more or less mature this weekend...

Holly
Friday:
-Go to Brasserie Ruhlman after work with coworkers for champagne and wine-Age 40
-Boss asks if anyone would like French fries, everyone declines as Holly says, “oh yeah, yeeahhhhh French fries”-Age 14
-Everyone politely sips their one glass of champagne, Holly’s is refilled 3 times, which is awkward because everyone totally notices this and Holly is 5 years younger than everyone there-Age 19
-Holly loudly blames refills on closeness to wait staff station, which is absolutely untrue-Age 17
-Holly politely excuses herself to go to an all-you-can-drink-bourbon party in China town-Age 23
-Holly wobbles into Brasserie Ruhlman’s bathroom (marble sinks people) puts on a pair of cutoffs with her working girl blouse and slips out the side door so coworkers don’t see outfit switch and most of Holly’s thighs-Age 16
-Holly joins up with all the ladies at Happy Endings and excitedly orders her (free!) tumbler of Maker’s Mark-Age 19
-And makes a pout face with each sip because straight whiskey will do that to a girl-Age 16
-Holly goes to have dinner with Shawn and his Argentinean grad school friends-Age 30
-Grad school friends did not just suck down 3 glasses of champagne and tumbler of whiskey, yet Holly manages to act sort of sober around sober scientists-Age 24
-Passes out at 10pm on a Friday-Age 12 (Twelve year old’s that aren’t having a slumber party obviously)

Saturday:
-Holly and Shawn decorate Buffalo cake for Shawn’s sister that reads, “Happy Buffday”-Age 15
-Frosting for breakfast-Age 13

-Gets out pineapple chunk-flavored ice pop and lime-flavored ice pop, starts on the pineapple and gives lime to Shawn, but makes him switch because lime is totally better-Age 9
-Shawn leaves and so Holly decides it’s okay to have post-ice pop dessert of Tastee Delight-Age 9
-Tastee Delight on Bedford Ave. is closed on door and Holly does the violent door pulling even thought Tastee Delight it clearly CLOSED-Age 9
-Holly goes into to the city to do Mother’s Day shopping but instead buys herself some things including $5 worth of bodega frozen yogurt-Age 16
-Holly goes home to make salsa to bring to Shawn’s sister’s bday bbq-Age 28
-Holly shows up at bbq and immediately starts recruiting people to finish the handle of deli tequila she got for free-Age 24
-Holly opens up herself a bottle of wine and get’s for real jealous when Shawn’s sis starts talking about her prom dress and still “having” to find glitzy prom shoes-Age 25
-Holly forgoes Revel to instead talk about all the things one can do when they’re 18 (lotto cards, Playboy, Playgirl, oh, and the right to vote)with Shawns birthday sister-Age 18

Sunday:
-Holly goes to Shawn’s soccer game forcing Shawn and his team members to put on sunscreen-Age 52
-Holly doesn’t put any on and get’s fried-Age 12
-Holly goes home and has tub of Acai Sorbet and half a bag of veggie chips while watching The Hangover with Paige and Chrissy-Age 15
-Holly goes to Dumbo bbq get schmoozed by Kristy’s new main man-Age 24
-After 2/3 bottle Chilean wine and 2 mojitos Holly:
-brings up Kristy’s relationship status with Kristy’s new man (will he meeting Kristy’s parents when they come in 2 weeks?)-Age 52
-complains about the dog, Betsy, not being able to bark, and is therefore a useless dog-Age 12
-does NOT fall down the stairs while wearing large wooden shoes-Age 24
-strokes Kristy’s beautiful hair and comments out loud on it’s shine and texture-Age 15
-finally, a car is called for Holly and is asleep by, on a SUNDAY, 12:30am-Age 20

This weekend I was 20.23, which is understandable considering ice-pop swaps and loudly banging on a Tastee D-Lite door, hey, it was hot out remember?

So I was a bit older than Holly this weekend, thats okay! There are no winners or losers in the Maturity Index! Next weekend Holly heads back to the midwest to celebrate her sisters graduation from nursing school, while I hang back to finish all the Georgi in the freezer and borrow her clothes without telling her!

Forever your girl,

Paige

The Maturity Index: Oh, so the Super Bowl is on?

We had high hopes for old age last weekend, as Guggenheim parties and parties with people wearing masks were involved. However we know that Super Bowl Sunday is a bigger holiday for most than Easter Sunday, and here's how it went down:

Friday:

-Paige is grumpy and lame after an exhausting work week and decides to stay in- Age 34

-She and her boyfriend rent "I Love You, Man" and she laughs hysterically the entire time, Jason Segal elevating her from her
grump- Age 15

-Holly and Kristy head to the last of the First Friday's at the Guggenheim to listen to DJ Chromeo while looking at Chagall- Age 30

-Holly excitedly finds a 24 oz Bud Light Lime that is classily sipped with a straw while riding train to Upper East Side- Age 20

-Holly and Kristy wait in unimaginably large line amongst a sea of hip but no hipsters wearing non-PETA friendly outerwear- Age 29

-Holly is freezing and so girls say goodbye to a younger Joan Rivers that became their "friend"-Age 12

-Holly goes to the Levy and is sure to get "training wheels" (lime and salt of course) with her $5 beer/tequila deal- Age 21

-Eats free Twizzlers while laughing/encouraging drunk man wearing a scarf as a turban dance to Motown- Age 8

Saturday:

-Snowday/Freezing Day-
-Paige wakes up early, "runs errands" like buying vitamins, going to the grocery store, and browsing Sephora- Age 37

-Paige goes back to Brooklyn, bakes cake for her boyfriends birthday- Age 26
-Paige decorates the cake with an icing drawing of a shark, covers cake it Swedish Fish and bright blue sprinkles- Age 12

-Paige leaves early to meet her boyfriend before dinner with his family, the C train stalls after only going one stop, fearing she'll be late, Paige goes upstairs and calls a cab. When a stranger says she's also going to the West Village and asks to share the cab with her, Paige complies. The stranger is actually going to the Lower East Side and is not a very good traveling companion as she is terrible with directions and makes Paige 15 minutes late to meet her boyfriends family. Paige has now made her boyfriends family late for every single dinner they have ever invited her to- Age 20

-After family dinner, Paige and her boyfriend change into fancy clothes and MASKS because they have a Venetian Carnival Masquerade Party to go to- Age... Hard to say, because a similar theme party was featured on Season one of Gossip Girl, but thee were lots of older people there so... wash- Age 24

-Paige gets nervous at fancy party in fancy apartment where there is a hired wait staff, DJ, stilt walker and little person in a tux running the private elevator, she panics while ordering a drink and says "umm, just make me something pink"- Age 10

-Holly buys illegibly labeled bottle of $9.99 vodka and uses this to make store brand Crystal Light/OJ/faux lemon juice/Sprite/sketchy vodka cocktails, delicious! - Age 19

-Holly and roommates and extra friends drink "cocktails" and sorta play a Scrabble type game called Bananagrams- Age 21

-Holly fails miserably at being able to spell 'cesarean' and so instead spells 'car'- Age 15
-Holly and co. go to Soda bar decked out in Valentine themed candy bracelets that Paige's adoring mother sent- Age 5

-Drink beer, eat onion rings, eat candy bracelets, and Holly gets caught lying about trivial soccer facts to random guy at bar that really looked like he lacked all sorts of knowledge especially soccer related-Age 20


Sunday:



-Paige, her boyfriend and roommates eat the Shark Cake for breakfast- Age 8
-There is a small quarrel about the amount of frosting each person gets- Age 4

-While watching TV, Paige stumbles upon the A&E show "Hoarders" subsequently launches into a diatribe about how disgusting it is that these people are "diagnosed" with "hoarding" while they are actually just lazy and messy and that "chronic disorganization" does not belong in the cannon of mental illnesses next to real problems and how "American" it is for people to cling desperately to their stuff because it "represents who they are". This rant makes everyone uncomfortable- Age 24 (and way too entitled)

-Paige and her boyfriend hang out at a skate shop in crown heights- Age 14

-Holly and roommate drag 4 "Hoarder"worthy sized bags of good quality used clothing to Beacon's Closet- age 30

-Holly ends up getting $11.42 in credit for a peach-colored dress she obliviously never wore and paid $4.00 for and says "suckers" as she walks out on cultish Beacons workers- Age 16

-Holly, Paige, and roommates have anti-Super Bowl pro MTV's Teen Mom and Jersey Shore marathon party- Age 14

-Everyone participates in other Super Bowl activities such as making pigs-in-a-blanket and eating them 3 minutes later- Age 14

-There was some Met Foods brand Rainbow Sherbet consumed at different parts of the day- Age 5

-Everyone retires to bed, not caring and unsure of who won the Super Bowl, but instead are grateful to not have babies and wishing for better tans and biceps on hipsters- Age 14

This weeks Maturity Index puts us at 17.9, which we understand. Last weekend we were free thinking, anti-football, pro-gorilla muscles, edible jewelry wearing, pigs-in-a-blanket consuming seventeen year-olds and we liked it. Next weekend has a love theme.