Monday, March 15, 2010

Dream Jobs

When we grow up or go to Nevernever Land...

Today I quit my job. As much as I would like to say I quit to pursue writing or to help needy children or even to focus more time on my friends (like they are my children), none of this is at all true. I, instead, found a different job with more hours, more dollars, and one less F train stop in pursuing my career. I had a "test run" last Friday at a luxury magazine to make sure I was fit for the position. I really thought I had screwed up when I had to ask how to turn on the computer, however knew I had the job in the bag when my new potential boss had the pleasure of hearing me explain what a 'bacon porn' calendar is (note: March may be a BLT, while May is interlaced bacon wrapped around pork loin).

The aptly named "Bacon Explosion"

Although for the next two weeks I am still at my "job", I am still technically 'between jobs' and still feel it is only appropriate to daydream about my dream job. Actually, Paige and I do this everyday. It isn't at all weird to get a text that reads, "Ugh, how badly do you just want to be Nicole Richie's nanny?", or "Ugh, how badly do you just want to be Mary Kate's bodyguard?". The answer is always the same: "Ugh, desperately". We will see Eastern Euro man walking two maltipoos, a teacup schnauzer, and a Chihuahua and immediately look at each other knowing the other's jealousy of this dogwalker.

So in the spirit of new jobs and old jobs and dream jobs, here is a list of our favorite kind of job: The Dream Job:

Paige's Top 3:

1.) Tortured Author- Mainly because eccentric, troubled, genius, tortured authors get away with everything, sometimes even murder (I'm lookin at you, Burroughs). If I were a tortured author I could really do whatever the hell I wanted, at any time of day I desired and people would just be all like "That Tibbetts, she's a genius! Thats why she's wearing her underwear on our roof at 6 am on a Tuesday with a bottle of Sambuca and a paint-ball gun, she must be preparing for her next brilliant novel." But due to my unfortunately lovely childhood, my lack of drug addiction and the absence of genius in my writing (see: everything I've ever written) I think the option of Tortured Author is off the table.

It was an "accident"

2.) Narwhal Watcher/ Puppy Care-taker- I really love animals, mainly Narwhals and puppies of any kind. So another job I'd really like is one where I get to live on a Steve Zissou-ish submarine and study Narwhals, but only on this submarine there would be less Bill Murray and more puppies.
Okay, maybe he can stay.

3.) Owner of a restaurant that specializes on pairing adult beverages with candy- Because, duh.

Twizzler Straw

Holly's Top 3:

1. I am never a supporter of torture unless it is upon ants with a magnifying glass when I was seven and bored. So therefore I choose untortured author. The kind that writes at her grandmother's antique desk while wearing a kimono and sipping hot unsweetened tea. On a farm. A farm with goats and chickens. And writes stories that make people cry and call their mom's at the end thanking them for the gift of life so they could read my stuff. Remember, this is a DREAM job.

2. The person that describes unique and exotic cheeses for the little cards places just so on top of these cheeses. You know, a brie that isn't quite brie because it's more nutty like a pecorino but still sweet like a stilton. Dreamcheeseer.Cheesedreams.Dreamycheesy...

3. Professional gymnastics judge. Sure, I would rather watch figure skating, but this would mean logging lots of chilly hours in chilly arenas. And gymnasts walk around in skimpy 'tards so those gymnasiums must be warm. And I like gymnastics and 'tards and probably the concessions sold at those things. So yes that would be awesome.
As of right now it looks like Paige and I will have to keep dreaming of cheese and rooftop panties. But a girl can dream right? And for now, we are both English majors with English major-ish type jobs. Which is on the track to both of our #1 dream jobs. Right? Definitely.

Forever Your Girl,


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