Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The Maturity Index:
Oscar Night Massacre that turned out okay

This week we danced, played with puppies, ate fro-yo and dealt with the Kubler-Ross Model for the stages of grief while wearing prom dresses. It was an emotional roller coaster, lets see if we handled it with maturity.

-At work, Paige is gifted a bottle of Three Olives Orange Flavored Vodka, from The L Magazine's generous editor, Jonny Diamond- Age 24

-After work we all get ready for a night in Manhattan, we are extremely excited, like tourists (because Friday's too often are spent resting for Saturday festivities)- Age 18

-We take the train because a $15 cab sounds outrageously expensive- Age 22

-On the train we sit across from an obviously crack-fried man sprawled across three seats, we giggle nervously as he sporadically wakes up and shouts obscene comments at no one, soon a woman with a snare drum misguidedly sits across from him, banging the drum and waking him up, they fight, we get scared- Age 14 -

-We finally arrive to pre-game at our friends apartment, that is decorated almost solely with pictures of Robert Patinson- Age 12

-The four of us finish the gifted vodka- Age 19

-We go dance in the creepy caves in the basement of Lit Lounge until 3:45am- Age 21

-We drunk dial our poor, sleeping boyfriends- Age 18

-We had commitments to other people and therefore the only interesting things that happened were Paige discovering our roommate owns a pair of white, bedazzled, mary-jane style Sketchers, and Holly having to convince Brooklyn Bowl security she was with friends friends after she is discovered sleeping on a chair, alone- No age, just that's as cool as Saturday got.

-While waiting to meet up with Kristy in the West Village, we eat bagels and encourage spontaneous dog fights-Age 9

-We go to the puppy store, convince the manager that we are serious about buying a Pomeranian/Maltise (Pomertise? Maltimanian?) so he lets us play with her for about an hour.

Meet Ghost, the lovechild of the dog from The Neverending Story and a cotton ball

-We name her Ghost and let her lick our mouths- Age 10

-We learn the price of the dog is $1,100 after discount and they'll throw in a Vet visit and we all start discussing how we could "make it work"- Age 12

-Paige reminds everyone that we are not going home with a $1,100 no matter how cute the dog is or how hot the British puppy store manager is- Age 24

-We go get fro-yo at Philio Yogurt where we mix all the flavors and put on an amount of topings that would induce a diabetic coma. Holly eats hers then finishes Paige's- Age 13

Half fruity, half chocolatesprinkleredvelvetcupcakebatterpeanutbuttercupbrownie

-We go to French Connection where we admire the $400 dresses, but Holly just buys a sparkle-swan necklace thats on sale for $5-Age 12

We sit at Paige's boyfriends cafe and contemplate what we'll purchase with our upcoming Tax Returns- Age 40

-While passing the store "Evolution" on Spring St. Paige notices a narwhal tusk in the window, decides this is what she'll buy with her tax return- Age 17 (and bizzare)

-Holly is on a desperate mission to buy a white, pleather, mini- backpack she saw online at Topshop- Age 12
Need. Neeeeeeeed

-At TopShop we look on with jealousy as our rich, nanny roommate buys shoes that cost (way) more than our normal $30 shoe budget- Age 15

-Holly can't find mini backpack and spends the rest of the afternoon pouting and is especially depressed as Paige cannot stop making fun of mini backpack obession- Age 6

-We decide to head back to Brooklyn and buy supplies for our "Oscar Party"- Age 45

- At Met we buy culturally-ambitious supplies:

-Holly buys gear to make thai-peanut noodles- Age 43

-Paige buys supplies to make pesto and parmesan crostini's- Age 32

-Kristy buys ingredients for Coco-Crispy Treats- Age 10

I'm sure that's what my parents had in mind when they bought me that laptop

-Holly also buys Cadbury egg candies, she feeds them to Paige and Kristy, noting "I feel like I'm a Momma bird and you are my baby birds and I'm feeding you.... eggs...." we all get a little upset thinking about this - Age 10

-At home we resort to watching the incredibly unattractive cast of The Real World: DC, because nothing else is on- Age 19

-We puttz around the kitchen, making food and wagering on who will win what Oscars- Age 45

- It's almost time! We prepare ourselves to "authentically" enjoy the Oscars by each putting on "ball gowns", Paige wears an old prom dress and Holly wears "H&M Couture" with Uggs and clip on earrings that are the ones the winner of Pretty Pretty Princess gets- Age 8

-We watch the E! red carpet interviews, we make fun of spray tans (Matt Damon), give our enlightened opinions on who's dress is great (Sarah Jessica Parker) and who's dress makes their boobs look crazy (Charlize Theron) and who needs to work on their posture (Miley irus)- Age 24

-At the strike of 8 o'clock... the moment we've been waiting 12 months for! We flip to ABC only to find that ABC has been pulled off the air by CableVision. We can't believe it. We enter the 5 stages of grief:

-Denial, "This cant possibly be happening, we are in PROM DRESSES!"

Anger, "Why are they doing this to us?! What did we ever do to ABC?! I'm going to kill someone".

Bargaining, "If we to go the soccer bar up the street dressed like this, maybe we can convince them to let us watch the Oscars there".

Depression, "I just want to take the rest of these thai noodles and eat them in bed listening to Elliott Smith".

And, acceptance "I mean, we can just watch the highlights on the news tomorrow" and istead turn on a show titled, "Priests"- Age 50

-After we come to grips with what has happened we sit, gowned, in a girlpile and stuff our faces with what should have been our Oscar Party food for a full hour- Age 23

-Only to then recieve a text that ABC and CableVision have struck a last minute deal and we once again get ABC, cry a little bit, what an emotional roller coaster, girlpile and oscar "gowns" are adjusted, everyone gets serious about Oscar watching and is thankful about keeping updo's despite Oscar trauma- Age 30

-Enjoy the witty repartee between hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin, cry a little at the John Huges tribute, and get really pumped that "The Hurt Locker" kicked "Avatar"s ass. Remark that everything seems to work out in the end, hug each other and go to bed- Age 24

In the end we were 21.3 years old this past weekend. Life can get pretty hard at times, but really all you can do is sit with your friends, eat some cocoa krispies in a prom dress and hope for the best. Next weekend: a visitor from Paige's past and a good-bye fette.

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