Monday, May 3, 2010

Maturity Index: Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner

So, we cant always do EVERYTHING together... Sometimes Holly has to be a surrogate sister and sometimes I have to drink a giant margarita with my best friend from high school, that doesn't mean Holly and I don't love each other.

This weekend was HOT, that means sunburns, soccer games and frozen adult beverages. Lets see how our independent weekends shook-out.

Paige:
Friday:
-Office party festivities start when Paige and Sarah open a bottle of free Prosecco that was sent to Sarah in the mail a few weeks ago, they drink out of novelty champagne glasses, co-workers join- Age 40
-Paige and Sarah, along with the office interns take a taxi to Happy Ending before the party starts to "help set up". Meaning that they ordered drinks at the bar and watched the interns struggle to set up the sound equipment- Age 23
-When Steven arrives to the party he brings Paige a duck sandwich- No age just...
-Holly and Paige take pictures together in the mirror of the bathroom, on Holly's cell phone- Age13
-Steven and Paige leave the party and go to dinner where Paige gets sleepy and grumpy when her noodles take too long to arrive, Steven puts Paige to bed shortly after- Age 6

Saturday:
-Paige wakes up and heads to the Bleeker Street book store she loves. There, she purchases "How to Lose Friends and Alienate People", she hopes this will make up for the fact that she is also purchasing "Bergdorf Blondes" which, she explains to the store owner is for "research". Paige realizes this sounds dumb and scurries out, embarrassed- Age 23
-Paige and Emily spend the early afternoon laying out on the pier off Christopher st. They eat PEZ and complain that the posse of Speedo-clad men around them are playing too much Aaliyah and not enough Gaga- Age 14
-Paige and Emily meet up with Sarah and Emily's roommate they eat a VERY early dinner at around 4:45 pm- Age 68
-At Caliente Cab where they also had 24 oz Margs in novelty glasses- Age 18
-After watching The Hills, reading Us Magazine and discussing how Shiloh Pitt is being raised as a boy, everyone starts to primp for an evening out- Age 19
-Everyone gets dressed and ready but then distracted and watches Dirty Dancing twice in a row- Age 3 (because thats how old Paige was the last time she watched Dirty Dancing twice in a row)
-Emily, Paige and Jess teach everyone their "clip on" dance move that involves interlocking knees and some synchronized bouncing.- Age 20
-After a fair amount of pre-gaming and Swayze-worshiping everyone heads to Revel in the Meatpacking District.- Age 22
-Typical Meatpacking shenanigans.... Paige has a sleep over at Em and Jess' where they gossip and eat pizza- Age 13

Sunday:
-Paige wakes up early and walks to Ground Support in Soho, complains about "schvitzing in this DISGUSTING heat", this complaint comes 4 days after her complaining "its so cold that I just want to DIE, i can barely feel my toes"- Age 70
-Paige and Chrissy lay on the roof in bikinis and talk about boys. Eventually it gets too hot and they go downstairs and order an extremely random meal from a "Chinese" Restaurant that also curiously serves mozzarella sticks, they eat their food while watching "The Hangover"... again- Age 14
-Paige and Steven get dinner at The Mermaid Inn Oyster Bar, they order the Grand Platter which includes 18 oysters, a bowl of muscles, 12 clams, six king crab legs and shrimp cocktail. Steven accuses Paige of eating 70% of the seafood treats, this is probably the case- Age 23

This weekend I hit the ripe-old age of 24.6, which is almost EXACTLY how old I actually am! I guess the best way to achieve a mature balance is complain about the weather and watch Dirty Dancing.... Lets see if Holly was more or less mature this weekend...

Holly
Friday:
-Go to Brasserie Ruhlman after work with coworkers for champagne and wine-Age 40
-Boss asks if anyone would like French fries, everyone declines as Holly says, “oh yeah, yeeahhhhh French fries”-Age 14
-Everyone politely sips their one glass of champagne, Holly’s is refilled 3 times, which is awkward because everyone totally notices this and Holly is 5 years younger than everyone there-Age 19
-Holly loudly blames refills on closeness to wait staff station, which is absolutely untrue-Age 17
-Holly politely excuses herself to go to an all-you-can-drink-bourbon party in China town-Age 23
-Holly wobbles into Brasserie Ruhlman’s bathroom (marble sinks people) puts on a pair of cutoffs with her working girl blouse and slips out the side door so coworkers don’t see outfit switch and most of Holly’s thighs-Age 16
-Holly joins up with all the ladies at Happy Endings and excitedly orders her (free!) tumbler of Maker’s Mark-Age 19
-And makes a pout face with each sip because straight whiskey will do that to a girl-Age 16
-Holly goes to have dinner with Shawn and his Argentinean grad school friends-Age 30
-Grad school friends did not just suck down 3 glasses of champagne and tumbler of whiskey, yet Holly manages to act sort of sober around sober scientists-Age 24
-Passes out at 10pm on a Friday-Age 12 (Twelve year old’s that aren’t having a slumber party obviously)

Saturday:
-Holly and Shawn decorate Buffalo cake for Shawn’s sister that reads, “Happy Buffday”-Age 15
-Frosting for breakfast-Age 13
-Gets out pineapple chunk-flavored ice pop and lime-flavored ice pop, starts on the pineapple and gives lime to Shawn, but makes him switch because lime is totally better-Age 9
-Shawn leaves and so Holly decides it’s okay to have post-ice pop dessert of Tastee Delight-Age 9
-Tastee Delight on Bedford Ave. is closed on door and Holly does the violent door pulling even thought Tastee Delight it clearly CLOSED-Age 9
-Holly goes into to the city to do Mother’s Day shopping but instead buys herself some things including $5 worth of bodega frozen yogurt-Age 16
-Holly goes home to make salsa to bring to Shawn’s sister’s bday bbq-Age 28
-Holly shows up at bbq and immediately starts recruiting people to finish the handle of deli tequila she got for free-Age 24
-Holly opens up herself a bottle of wine and get’s for real jealous when Shawn’s sis starts talking about her prom dress and still “having” to find glitzy prom shoes-Age 25
-Holly forgoes Revel to instead talk about all the things one can do when they’re 18 (lotto cards, Playboy, Playgirl, oh, and the right to vote)with Shawns birthday sister-Age 18

Sunday:

-Holly goes to Shawn’s soccer game forcing Shawn and his team members to put on sunscreen-Age 52
-Holly doesn’t put any on and get’s fried-Age 12
-Holly goes home and has tub of Acai Sorbet and half a bag of veggie chips while watching The Hangover with Paige and Chrissy-Age 15
-Holly goes to Dumbo bbq get schmoozed by Kristy’s new main man-Age 24
-After 2/3 bottle Chilean wine and 2 mojitos Holly:
-brings up Kristy’s relationship status with Kristy’s new man (will he meeting Kristy’s parents when they come in 2 weeks?)-Age 52
-complains about the dog, Betsy, not being able to bark, and is therefore a useless dog-Age 12
-does NOT fall down the stairs while wearing large wooden shoes-Age 24
-strokes Kristy’s beautiful hair and comments out loud on it’s shine and texture-Age 15
-finally, a car is called for Holly and is asleep by, on a SUNDAY, 12:30am-Age 20

This weekend I was 20.23, which is understandable considering ice-pop swaps and loudly banging on a Tastee D-Lite door, hey, it was hot out remember?

So I was a bit older than Holly this weekend, thats okay! There are no winners or losers in the Maturity Index! Next weekend Holly heads back to the midwest to celebrate her sisters graduation from nursing school, while I hang back to finish all the Georgi in the freezer and borrow her clothes without telling her!

Forever your girl,
Paige

2 comments: