Thursday, June 28, 2012


Hello beloved readers (friends, Barb and Linda)! We know it’s been a while and we are sure you've been losing your minds wondering what we've been up to, seeing as we haven't written in so long. Maybe some of you assumed we ran away together, or invented something amazing like Pajama Jeans or Babiators , or we started hanging out with the “wrong” crowd. 

Well, in reality we were just busy aging a few years, getting a tax bracket richer, and no longer living in the same house (still on the same block though, don't worry). We've gotten new jobs, shop places besides Forever 21 (sometimes...), consume a bit less candy, drink more expensive booze and have maybe, sorta, a tiny bit, grown up. We are a collective 26.75 years old now. But some things never change, and just because you are no longer "dirt poor" doesn't mean that you'll give up drinking blush "flavored" Andre straight from the bottle. It also doesn't mean that you won’t still cram 5 girls into a New Jersey hotel room for annual girls weekend. Thusly, this weekend allowed us a perfect opportunity to write a throwback Maturity Index, Atlantic City style. Please enjoy. 

 "WE RUN THIS TOWN!!! Sorry, didn't mean to yell, yes, we'll keep it down"
-Paige wakes up at 7am after three hours of sleep and calls Holly to make sure she's awake, then does some exhausted, hung-over packing. Forgets toothbrush and bra but somehow remembers three pairs of 7"-heel wooden, platform shoes. – Age 19
-Holly wakes up at 7am and does (3) “Clam Series” workout videos from her boyfriend's computer while simultaneously watching last week’s episode of The Real Housewives of NY on the TV – Age 30
-Paige shows up at Holly's apartment around the corner, they walk to the bagel store to get breakfast for all the girls in the car - Age 40
-Holly buys her boyfriend the world’s priciest orange juice at the store as an apology for waking him up with Countess LuAnne fighting with Ramona- Age 28
-Holly and Paige make him take pictures of them with their bagels and suitcases - Age 20
-Holly and Paige have matching suitcases- Age 12
 If these bags could talk! They'd probably say: "Please take out this wet bathing suit that's been rotting in here since last summer.

-Paige calls a car service to bring them into Manhattan to meet the other girls, calls the driver "buddy" - Age 35
-While chatting in the car both Holly and Paige compare candy wrappers found on the bottom of their purses - Age 12
-After a 10 minute car ride to Manhattan, Paige and Holly already have to pee and do so and Emily and Jess' apartment before they head to AC - Age 4
-In the car everyone notices Paige's rock climbing-induced bruises, all ladies discuss the virtues of iron supplements everyone shares their vitamin regimen (Holly’s recommendation is Madonna’s "Egyptian Magic Cream") - Age 54
-All girls sing "Call Me Maybe" in its entirety no less than 5 times - Age 11
-Paige claims this weekend is the last time she will ever allow herself to listen to that song- Age 26
-Out of touch with "what the kids are listening to" Paige and Holly ask the other girls in the car to explain Dub Step to them- Age 46
-As they make their way into the town of Atlantic City the girls roll down all the windows and start screaming "wooooo wooooooo" and fist pumping, this continues for an awkwardly long period of time- Age 16
- The girls go to the world’s sketchiest liquor store where Paige leaves her debit card and Holly accidentally tells the cashier her pin number -Age 22
- Paige buys a bottle of Sweet Tea vodka and a bucket of lemonade- Age 21
-Holly buys a $6.54 bottle Andre (Blush-flavored) -Age 18
-Finally at the hotel, Sarah and Em argue with Borgata concierge about getting into The Water club at 2:00 instead of 4:00 while Page and Holly twiddle thumbs in the background, 100% unhelpful - Age 8
- All 5 girls get lawn chairs on a patch of grass that is adjacent to the kiddie pool – Age 12
- All 5 girls order Miami Vice’s (Pina Colada and Strawberry Daiquiri combo), Paige and Holly have theirs with whipped cream on top – Age 17
Whipped cream AND a floater!
- Paige puts on a tiny bit of sunscreen- Age 26
- The girls finally get their room and decide on a lunch consisting of $18 Cobb salads and $12 French fries- Age 37
- After lunch, everyone goes to the outlet mall nearby, mostly for the probability there will be an ice cream store – Age 13
- Alas, the Lucky Cone ice cream store has shuttered so everyone gets McDonald’s flurries – Age 13
- Holly poses (expertly) next to her favorite mannequin at a Dress Barn type shop- Age 22 (because that's how old she was the last time she did it. See picture for reference).
 2012 vs. 2010. Not much has changed.
- What we bought at the outlets:
--Crotch-length striped dress- Age 18
--Crotch-length leopard print dress- Age 19
--Morning-after Rockstar drink- Age 21
--Paige-esque cork wedges from J.Crew- Age 26
--See-though gingham shirt for work- Age 22
--White cotton fingertip-length skirt- Age 22
--A non-see through not-too-short shirt for “Baby” aka Shawn - Age 29

-Everyone goes back to the hotel to lie down, watch Seinfeld and take long showers- Age 52
Seinfeld Snuggle 
- Holly puts her iPod on (Paige rolls her eyes/groans loudly) so everyone can hear one-hit-wonder hip hop songs from 3 years ago- at no age do people normally subject themselves to such extreme embarrassment.
- Paige makes herself a cocktail that Holly finds delicious- Age 27
-Holly suggests they “share” and then drinks the rest – Age 11
-Holly starts using her baby-talk voice and no one even tells her to knock it off- Age 3
-The ladies order room service of $17 PB&J sandwiches with bread made of french toast- Age 11
 -Holly and Paige play a mix of:
--"She drives me crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals -Age 31
--"What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction - Age 11
--"How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston - Age 35
--"All Coming Back to Me" by Celine Deon - Age 55

-All the girls dance like crazy in their party dresses on the beds -Age 16
-Paige and Holly stage a photoshoot where they look out onto "the strip" of Atlantic City and claim "WE OWN THIS CITY"- Age 17
-Before everyone leaves to go out Holly stands on the bed and makes a speech into a hairbrush "microphone" - Age 12
--The speech turns tearful as she thanks all the girls for being "such great people", everyone girlpiles on her and says how much they love each other - Age 16

-All five girls head to "Gypsy Bar" where a killer cover band, 3am is performing. Immediately Paige and Holly elbow their way to the front of the stage to dance with the lead singer - Age 19
Wilma Flintstone and a Cougarette
-During the band's set break, all five girls huddle in a corner of the bar and talk only to each other - Age 12
-Paige orders nothing but water, six of them - Age 60
Jersey Princesses 
-Eventually, all five girls decided to "hit up the club", pay a $20 cover, stand on line, go inside, drink nothing to protest lack of bottle service being offered. - Age 20

-Inside the terrible club everyone dances half heartedly, several fights break out, and the music is sub-par. Eventually a beer gets spilled from the upper level onto Sarah. - No age, just terrible.
-Paige and Holly stay to dance until they feel they've gotten their money's worth. Decide that 15 minutes is enough, join the other girls in the casino. - Age 27
-The remainder of the night is spent back at "Gypsy Bar" with 3am, the girls crazy dance to covers of "Mr. Jones" and various songs by Pink - Age 40
A night to (actually!) remember. Progress. 
- Everyone is in bed, together and fairly sober at a decent hour - Age 37


-Everyone sleeps past 10am - Age 17

-Holly and Jess go down to the pool to reserve seats. Tiger Mom Holly somehow grabs five seats, arranges them all next to each other and takes breakfast orders - Age 40
-Paige and Em get reading material from the gift shop for everyone:
--Us Weekly, Star, People - Age 19
--New York Times - Age 50
Highbrow vs. the lowestbrow
-Holly and Paige try to peer pressure everyone into drinking at 10:30am - Age 20
-No one takes the bait so Holly and Paige order their own $14 cocktails and lead everyone into the pool to discuss being working girls in NYC- Age 27
The whole team
-Everyone pouts as its time to leave; Paige calls that she gets to sit ‘bitch’ in Jess' car  – Age 9
-Pull over to the worst ever “rest station” with food choices that only include Burger King, Sbarro, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs, and Starbucks. 
Paige gets a giant pretzel and eats two bites– Age 9  
Holly get a $8 Sbarro salad, Sbarro fruit cup, and Sbarro coffee (all things Sbarro does surprisingly well according to Holly) – Age 61
-Paige, Holly and Sarah get dropped at the C train, and are “proud” when it shows up in a timely manner. "C Train, you are doing SO good!"- Age 13
-Holly takes sneaky pictures of Paige and Sarah on the train – Age 13
- An adorable racially ambiguous baby makes friends with Holly (according to Holly). Holly ‘coos’ to the beautiful baby while Paige remarks what a great mom the baby has for providing it with “crudité”- Age 72
-Holly goes home to wait for her boyfriend to arrive after his long day of washing down pancakes with frozen margaritas – Age 21
-Paige goes home to clean under her bed, alphabetize her literature, and organize her shoes – (Just kidding, Paige does these things once a decade). Instead she meets a friend for drinks to cope with her "weekend-end phobia" – Age 26
The Results:
Surprise, surprise. The two of us getting older means we act older! Our Atlantic City reboot age is 25, which is still younger that our actual age. Which makes us both feel younger and more beautiful! We can do anything! We own Atlantic City!
Note: Paige and Holly will not be blogging as regularly as they did when they made so little money they actually qualified for food stamps. However, they love making everyone read about their adventures and friendship so they will post anytime something incredible happens. 
Next up, Paige, Holly and Sarah do Wilmington, Delaware (in a rented Chevy Malibu or similar) to see Magic Mike with Paige’s mom and drink "Tipsy’s" under the Delaware moon while listening to the soft bubbling of the Tibbett’s Koi pond.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The Maturity Index: CHERISH!

pure joy

Happy Monday friends and our Moms! Paige and I sat down to watch the Golden Globes Sunday night and decided we had an insanely happy weekend and that we should share it.
Here goes the first Maturity Index of 2011:

-Holly comes home to find Paige tubbing (being in the bath tub with wine having a great time)-Age 54
-Chrissy comes home with free champagne she got from work. She pops bottles, almost popping her eye out. Everyone cheers for Champ-Age 18
-Shan comes over in time for Chrissy to make everyone Beachwater cocktails, recipe below:
1 part Sprite
1 part Grapefruit Belvedere vodka
1 part Hypnotiq
Serve in champagne classes-Age 17

Beach Water
-The girls engage in an all-girl, crazy dance party until Evelyn car service arrives to bring all the girls to Union Hall- Age 17
-The girls arrive at Union Hall to join Emily and Jess, someone (not Paige or Holly) purchases a round of Lions Head Light-Age 21
-Holly goes freakin' nuts cheering on karaoke performers-Age 12
-Holly, Shan, and a reluctant (for 3 seconds) Paige take the stage to sing Cherish by Madonna-Age 33 (note: Cherish is Paige's favorite Madonna song! Also there is iPhone-video footage of this!)
-Paige, Shan, Holly and the flamboyant DJ's sing and dance to Cherish while the crowd talks amongst themselves. An Age 3 for the crowd, because that's rude.
-Then Holly takes shots of tequila, Chrissy plays bocce with a cute boy and Paige checks up on everyone-Ages 21, 40, 50
-Girls leave and no one falls asleep in the cab!-Age 13 and up.

-Holly, Paige, and Chrissy wake up a little late and get ready in 45 seconds to go try on bridesmaid dresses-Age 25

-On the way, they need to stop for snacks and drinks at their corner bodega, making them 15 minutes late-Age 16
-The girls become besties with woman working at Addrienes Bridal Shope and are sorry to hear she wasn't even a BRIDESMAID in her best friends wedding-Age 25
-The girls go to Whole Foods for a wholesome brunch and Holly gets crumbs all of her "bib" (it was a scarf!)-Ages 31 and 2
-The girls go to Here Comes the Bridesmaid to try on more dresses. At this point they've become pros at and prove that we are TOTALLY AWESOME at trying on dresses because we know what we like-Age 25

-The girls come home with plans to nap, but in stead opt to watch Sundays at Tiffany where Alyssa Milano decides (SPOILER ALERT!) not to marry her actor fiance and instead marries her imaginary best friend-Age 14
-Honey, One of Holly's top 5 fave movies comes on and everyone is forced to watch about 8 minutes of this before the Alexi Vodka and Hynotiq come back out-Age 18
-All of the girls take turns sitting in a large cardboard box that Chrissy had received in the mail-Age 3

-Whilst playing an incredible drinking game that involves answering obscure "What if..." questions as fast as you can, everyone gets to learn that if Holly could rename her hometown she would call it 'Brazil'-Age 22
-After finishing the bottle of Hpnotiq, the girls go to Brooklyn Bowl, expecting to dance to a crazy cool DJ. Instead, they are troubled to find a ukulele-wielding Beatles cover band-Age 23
-Paige and Holly boo'd and boo'd at the band-Age 11
-The girls leave to go to The Levee where Chrissy enjoys the free cheeseballs-Age 5
-Everyone goes back to Underhill and Paige and Chrissy scream quotes from Lost in Translation while Holly falls asleep in her dungeon. Seriously, no age.

-Holly crawls into bed with Paige and Chrissy. They confirm their plan of skipping their bridesmaid dress appointment to instead, go purchase mood rings-Age 12
-On the way to the mood ring store, the girls head to Met to visit their "deli guy" and get the most delicious $4.00 sandwiches-Age 25
-Holly decides the Met sandwiches are so good that the "sandwich artists" at Subway are more actually "con Artists"-Age 33

-Fffiinnnaallyyy the mood rigs are purchased! Holly gets a tiny heart and Paige gets a tiny unicorn-Age 12
-GOLDEN GLOBE TIME! The girls eat pasta and brussels sprouts and Cheez-Its while recalling memories of past award show parties-Age 25
-Sadly, Jennifer Love Hewitt does not win a Golden Globe for her role as a Texas hooker in the Lifetime movie, The Client List. Holly murmurs, "good night Jennifer, I'll see you tonight in my dreams", this is because Holly's been having a recurring dream where she and JLH are best friends who love to shop for bikinis. Ugh, no age because its too weird.

Bad mom or good mom?

-During commercial breaks Paige and Holly YouTube TLC videos while trying to decide what to sing at Karaoke next week because, yeah we're doing it every weekend now. You're welcome. Age 20

Average Age: 19!

Stay tuned for next weekend when Paige and Holly learn the whole rap in the song "Waterfalls".

Forever Your Girls,
Paige & Holly

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Hey Everyone!

I'm sure you all remember Paige's awesome/sleepy birthday last year, which we tagged as Paige's Faux-Birthday.

Well we are having another faux-birthday for her this year!
If you didn't receive that invite, here it is! Although this doesn't necessarily mean you are invited. I mean, we love people that give us the time of day but...well sure, come over and bring some gin or Lambrusco. So here is the invite:

Hello Ladies!!!!

Our deer friend Paige is will be turning 25 on December 27th!! This obviously needs to be celebrated because halfway to fifty if definitely a milestone. Paige has always said she wanted to spend this day with a bottle of champagne alone under a cozy blanket with a few Ambien samples. Well too bad Paige!
Here is the plan for Paige’s second annual faux birthday:

December 18th
5:00: Paige and I discussed last night ordering Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites pizza for dins(we really just want to know how to eat it when all of the cheesy bites are gone). Everyone girlpiles on the couch to watch this:
All girls do their nails and Paige gets to start drinking.
7:00 Various ladies get naked to shower, we may have to do this in groups if we have too many people (this is fine, really). People blow dry their hair and try on various sequined outfits. Concealer and sunless tanner is borrowed, all while listening to catchy upbeat music from the 90’s. Everyone joins in drinking with Paige.
9:00: Humans of the opposite sex arrive and they get to join in drinking. Some cake may be involved.

Some gifts may be involved. Emily signs “Happy Birthday” by herself while being the top of a human pyramid. Applause ensues.
10:30 Shots shots shots shots shots!
11:00ish Paige gets blindfolded
11:09ish Everyone gets in Evelyn brand cars. Chrissy sits in the front of one and demands some Top 40. Christina Aguilera's “Dirty” will probably come on.
11:30 We arrive at the bar and Paige won’t be blindfolded anymore and all is fun and well and we have a great night.

So? What do we think? Yes?
How great will it be to blindfold Paige while she is drunk?!

See you then babies!


Monday, November 1, 2010

Ahead of the Game

Happy Monday everyone!
After letting everyone know about my and Paige’s Halloween costume plans, I got a Facebook message from a dear childhood friend about Paige and I being “ahead of the game” in comparison to Lady Gaga. Quite the compliment!

Also this childhood friend isn’t just anyone. She was coined the president of The Genius Club by my elementary school teacher who came up with this club for kids that could correctly spell , ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ as a bonus on our spelling test. My clever pioneer naming capabilities playing Oregon Trail (the Spice Girls, the school nuns, Greek mythological gods) weren’t enough for me to ever make the cut to be in the club.

So back to our super compliment from the president of The Genius Club at St. Mary’s Cathedral grade school where we are a whole year ahead of Lady Gags.
Lady Gaga, the queen of costumes, dressed herself Cruella Deville and some mortals as bloody Dalmatians.

Oh HOW CLEVER Lady Gaga. She obviously stole this idea from Paige and myself. What’s next? Lady Gaga decides to have a “thing” for beagles named ‘Spider’?


Or she decides to be besties with Anne Heche?

Or she starts wearing accessories that are oh so Degrassi?

Or she starts stealing from the Olive Garden in Times Square?

We won’t have it.
So we will put all of you “ahead of the game” right now and predict that Lady Gaga will be Phyllis Neffler for Halloween next year, bloody or not. She just has some stiff competition because Chrissy looked awesome.

Forever Your Girl,

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Halloween 2010: What a Trip

Halloween night 2009: Paige, myself, and Kristy dressed as skanky puppies complete with pigtails and homemade doggie paws. Chrissy wore a DVF Glen Close inspired Cruella DeVille ensemble that I’m pretty sure she has worn to work in midtown minus the wig.

We like our youngest roomie dressing as a functioning adult whilst the rest of us older ladies dress up as “experienced” 4th graders. This year will be no different!
Chrissy will be Shelley Long’s role as Phyllis Neffler in Troop Beverly Hills wearing khaki harem pants, a nice (probably designer) blouse, and tasteful non-plastic shoes.

Paige, Kristy and myself are wearing white thigh highs, something khaki to qualify as bottoms, a little boys size medium polo tee (I think I will chop the bottom 3 inches off mine) and homemade sashes with homemade badges showing we are qualified in shopping and loving kittens. Oh, and plastic platforms. Something sorta like this:

All of this should surprise no one, we just think its fair to let everyone know.

Some important things everyone must know about Troop Beverly Hills, my childhood, and other random Halloween tidbits:
-Tori Spelling is in Troop Beverly Hills

-There is a dance called “The Freddie” which we plan on learning and doing all day and night this Saturday and Sunday

-Paige nor I were never girl scouts, but Paige dated an Eagle Scout and my boyfriend thinks he is going to take me camping one day so...that must count for something
-Paige, Linda and I all love Thin Mints!
-There is a song called, "French Kissin' in the USA" on the soundtrack
-We obviously Netflixed Troop Beverly Hills and when it showed up it was cracked in two. We feel this is some sort of Halloween spooky omen but are going to proceed with doing the Troop Beverly Hills thing anyway

More about our characters:
Chrissy: Phyllis Nefler - Beverly Hills socialite and new leader of Wilderness Girls Troop Beverly Hills

Kristy: Tiffany Honigman - Daughter of a prominent Beverly Hills plastic surgeon

Paige: Jasmine Shakar - Outspoken daughter of a well-known boxer

Holly: Lily Marcigan - Daughter of Dictator Bong Bong and Karina who rule an unspecified Southeast Asian country

Us Underhill gouls love Halloween and are excited to see how this year turns out...but let us never forget this:

Oh, or this:

To get everyone even more hyped up, we leave you with this:

Happy Halloween people!

Forever your girl,

Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Paige and myself are extremely familiar with the all things "assistant". Wether is wrapping our bosses' wives' Hanukkah presents, shopping for yamakas, or going across town to find organic cookies, we have seen it ALL. So when I came across Jenny (thanks to my boss!) I had to send to Paige and we both found a new hero.

Paige and I like to think we are the kind of people who would do something like this, just as much as we would like to think of ourselves as HOPA's, however, neither of us has really had it that bad that we have ever even used the words "I quit". It was more, "can I still come to happy hour even though I will be working down the street now?".
Jenny, if that is even your name, can we please get margaritas sometime? On us of course since you are jobless. Our treat. Bring your whiteboard too.

Forever Your Girl,