The Maturity Index: CHERISH!

pure joy

Happy Monday friends and our Moms! Paige and I sat down to watch the Golden Globes Sunday night and decided we had an insanely happy weekend and that we should share it.

Here goes the first Maturity Index of 2011:

Friday:

-Holly comes home to find Paige tubbing (being in the bath tub with wine having a great time)-Age 54

-Chrissy comes home with free champagne she got from work. She pops bottles, almost popping her eye out. Everyone cheers for Champ-Age 18

-Shan comes over in time for Chrissy to make everyone Beachwater cocktails, recipe below:

1 part Sprite

1 part Grapefruit Belvedere vodka

1 part Hypnotiq

Serve in champagne classes-Age 17

Beach Water

-The girls engage in an all-girl, crazy dance party until Evelyn car service arrives to bring all the girls to Union Hall- Age 17

-The girls arrive at Union Hall to join Emily and Jess, someone (not Paige or Holly) purchases a round of Lions Head Light-Age 21

-Holly goes freakin' nuts cheering on karaoke performers-Age 12

-Holly, Shan, and a reluctant (for 3 seconds) Paige take the stage to sing Cherish by Madonna-Age 33 (note: Cherish is Paige's favorite Madonna song! Also there is iPhone-video footage of this!)

-Paige, Shan, Holly and the flamboyant DJ's sing and dance to Cherish while the crowd talks amongst themselves. An Age 3 for the crowd, because that's rude.

-Then Holly takes shots of tequila, Chrissy plays bocce with a cute boy and Paige checks up on everyone-Ages 21, 40, 50

-Girls leave and no one falls asleep in the cab!-Age 13 and up.

Saturday:

-Holly, Paige, and Chrissy wake up a little late and get ready in 45 seconds to go try on bridesmaid dresses-Age 25

-On the way, they need to stop for snacks and drinks at their corner bodega, making them 15 minutes late-Age 16

-The girls become besties with woman working at Addrienes Bridal Shope and are sorry to hear she wasn't even a BRIDESMAID in her best friends wedding-Age 25

-The girls go to Whole Foods for a wholesome brunch and Holly gets crumbs all of her "bib" (it was a scarf!)-Ages 31 and 2

-The girls go to Here Comes the Bridesmaid to try on more dresses. At this point they've become pros at and prove that we are TOTALLY AWESOME at trying on dresses because we know what we like-Age 25

-The girls come home with plans to nap, but in stead opt to watch Sundays at Tiffany where Alyssa Milano decides (SPOILER ALERT!) not to marry her actor fiance and instead marries her imaginary best friend-Age 14

-Honey, One of Holly's top 5 fave movies comes on and everyone is forced to watch about 8 minutes of this before the Alexi Vodka and Hynotiq come back out-Age 18

-All of the girls take turns sitting in a large cardboard box that Chrissy had received in the mail-Age 3

-Whilst playing an incredible drinking game that involves answering obscure "What if..." questions as fast as you can, everyone gets to learn that if Holly could rename her hometown she would call it 'Brazil'-Age 22

-After finishing the bottle of Hpnotiq, the girls go to Brooklyn Bowl, expecting to dance to a crazy cool DJ. Instead, they are troubled to find a ukulele-wielding Beatles cover band-Age 23

-Paige and Holly boo'd and boo'd at the band-Age 11

-The girls leave to go to The Levee where Chrissy enjoys the free cheeseballs-Age 5

-Everyone goes back to Underhill and Paige and Chrissy scream quotes from Lost in Translation while Holly falls asleep in her dungeon. Seriously, no age.

Sunday:

-Holly crawls into bed with Paige and Chrissy. They confirm their plan of skipping their bridesmaid dress appointment to instead, go purchase mood rings-Age 12

-On the way to the mood ring store, the girls head to Met to visit their "deli guy" and get the most delicious $4.00 sandwiches-Age 25

-Holly decides the Met sandwiches are so good that the "sandwich artists" at Subway are more actually "con Artists"-Age 33

-Fffiinnnaallyyy the mood rigs are purchased! Holly gets a tiny heart and Paige gets a tiny unicorn-Age 12

-GOLDEN GLOBE TIME! The girls eat pasta and brussels sprouts and Cheez-Its while recalling memories of past award show parties-Age 25

-Sadly, Jennifer Love Hewitt does not win a Golden Globe for her role as a Texas hooker in the Lifetime movie, The Client List. Holly murmurs, "good night Jennifer, I'll see you tonight in my dreams", this is because Holly's been having a recurring dream where she and JLH are best friends who love to shop for bikinis. Ugh, no age because its too weird.

Bad mom or good mom?

-During commercial breaks Paige and Holly YouTube TLC videos while trying to decide what to sing at Karaoke next week because, yeah we're doing it every weekend now. You're welcome. Age 20

-Bedtime

Average Age: 19!

Stay tuned for next weekend when Paige and Holly learn the whole rap in the song "Waterfalls".

Forever Your Girls,

Paige & Holly

Hey Everyone!

I'm sure you all remember Paige's awesome/sleepy birthday last year, which we tagged as Paige's Faux-Birthday.

http://fabulouslydirtpoor.blogspot.com/2009/12/happy-birthday-paige-today-may-or-may.html

Well we are having another faux-birthday for her this year!
If you didn't receive that invite, here it is! Although this doesn't necessarily mean you are invited. I mean, we love people that give us the time of day but...well sure, come over and bring some gin or Lambrusco. So here is the invite:

Hello Ladies!!!!

Our deer friend Paige is will be turning 25 on December 27th!! This obviously needs to be celebrated because halfway to fifty if definitely a milestone. Paige has always said she wanted to spend this day with a bottle of champagne alone under a cozy blanket with a few Ambien samples. Well too bad Paige!
Here is the plan for Paige’s second annual faux birthday:

December 18th
5:00: Paige and I discussed last night ordering Pizza Hut’s Cheesy Bites pizza for dins(we really just want to know how to eat it when all of the cheesy bites are gone). Everyone girlpiles on the couch to watch this: http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/christmas-proposal
All girls do their nails and Paige gets to start drinking.
7:00 Various ladies get naked to shower, we may have to do this in groups if we have too many people (this is fine, really). People blow dry their hair and try on various sequined outfits. Concealer and sunless tanner is borrowed, all while listening to catchy upbeat music from the 90’s. Everyone joins in drinking with Paige.
9:00: Humans of the opposite sex arrive and they get to join in drinking. Some cake may be involved.


Some gifts may be involved. Emily signs “Happy Birthday” by herself while being the top of a human pyramid. Applause ensues.
10:30 Shots shots shots shots shots!
11:00ish Paige gets blindfolded
11:09ish Everyone gets in Evelyn brand cars. Chrissy sits in the front of one and demands some Top 40. Christina Aguilera's “Dirty” will probably come on.
11:30 We arrive at the bar and Paige won’t be blindfolded anymore and all is fun and well and we have a great night.

So? What do we think? Yes?
How great will it be to blindfold Paige while she is drunk?!

See you then babies!

Xoxo,
Holly

Ahead of the Game

Happy Monday everyone!
After letting everyone know about my and Paige’s Halloween costume plans, I got a Facebook message from a dear childhood friend about Paige and I being “ahead of the game” in comparison to Lady Gaga. Quite the compliment!


Also this childhood friend isn’t just anyone. She was coined the president of The Genius Club by my elementary school teacher who came up with this club for kids that could correctly spell , ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ as a bonus on our spelling test. My clever pioneer naming capabilities playing Oregon Trail (the Spice Girls, the school nuns, Greek mythological gods) weren’t enough for me to ever make the cut to be in the club.


So back to our super compliment from the president of The Genius Club at St. Mary’s Cathedral grade school where we are a whole year ahead of Lady Gags.
Lady Gaga, the queen of costumes, dressed herself Cruella Deville and some mortals as bloody Dalmatians.


Oh HOW CLEVER Lady Gaga. She obviously stole this idea from Paige and myself. What’s next? Lady Gaga decides to have a “thing” for beagles named ‘Spider’?

"SPIDER!"

Or she decides to be besties with Anne Heche?


Or she starts wearing accessories that are oh so Degrassi?


Or she starts stealing from the Olive Garden in Times Square?


We won’t have it.
So we will put all of you “ahead of the game” right now and predict that Lady Gaga will be Phyllis Neffler for Halloween next year, bloody or not. She just has some stiff competition because Chrissy looked awesome.

Forever Your Girl,
Holly

Halloween 2010: What a Trip

Halloween night 2009: Paige, myself, and Kristy dressed as skanky puppies complete with pigtails and homemade doggie paws. Chrissy wore a DVF Glen Close inspired Cruella DeVille ensemble that I’m pretty sure she has worn to work in midtown minus the wig.


We like our youngest roomie dressing as a functioning adult whilst the rest of us older ladies dress up as “experienced” 4th graders. This year will be no different!
Chrissy will be Shelley Long’s role as Phyllis Neffler in Troop Beverly Hills wearing khaki harem pants, a nice (probably designer) blouse, and tasteful non-plastic shoes.


Paige, Kristy and myself are wearing white thigh highs, something khaki to qualify as bottoms, a little boys size medium polo tee (I think I will chop the bottom 3 inches off mine) and homemade sashes with homemade badges showing we are qualified in shopping and loving kittens. Oh, and plastic platforms. Something sorta like this:


All of this should surprise no one, we just think its fair to let everyone know.

Some important things everyone must know about Troop Beverly Hills, my childhood, and other random Halloween tidbits:
-Tori Spelling is in Troop Beverly Hills


-There is a dance called “The Freddie” which we plan on learning and doing all day and night this Saturday and Sunday



-Paige nor I were never girl scouts, but Paige dated an Eagle Scout and my boyfriend thinks he is going to take me camping one day so...that must count for something
-Paige, Linda and I all love Thin Mints!
-There is a song called, "French Kissin' in the USA" on the soundtrack
-We obviously Netflixed Troop Beverly Hills and when it showed up it was cracked in two. We feel this is some sort of Halloween spooky omen but are going to proceed with doing the Troop Beverly Hills thing anyway



More about our characters:
Chrissy: Phyllis Nefler - Beverly Hills socialite and new leader of Wilderness Girls Troop Beverly Hills


Kristy: Tiffany Honigman - Daughter of a prominent Beverly Hills plastic surgeon


Paige: Jasmine Shakar - Outspoken daughter of a well-known boxer


Holly: Lily Marcigan - Daughter of Dictator Bong Bong and Karina who rule an unspecified Southeast Asian country



Us Underhill gouls love Halloween and are excited to see how this year turns out...but let us never forget this:

Oh, or this:



To get everyone even more hyped up, we leave you with this:



Happy Halloween people!

Forever your girl,
Holly

Stealing carbs

HOPA!

Paige and myself are extremely familiar with the all things "assistant". Wether is wrapping our bosses' wives' Hanukkah presents, shopping for yamakas, or going across town to find organic cookies, we have seen it ALL. So when I came across Jenny (thanks to my boss!) I had to send to Paige and we both found a new hero.


Paige and I like to think we are the kind of people who would do something like this, just as much as we would like to think of ourselves as HOPA's, however, neither of us has really had it that bad that we have ever even used the words "I quit". It was more, "can I still come to happy hour even though I will be working down the street now?".
Jenny, if that is even your name, can we please get margaritas sometime? On us of course since you are jobless. Our treat. Bring your whiteboard too.

http://thechive.com/2010/08/10/girl-quits-her-job-on-dry-erase-board-emails-entire-office-33-photos/

Forever Your Girl,
Holly

The Maturity Index Returns

So imagine Paige and myself, both wearing (matching) sweatsuits. We are crawling across hot coals in the Sahara dessert while Pitbulls “You Know You Want Me” is playing loudly in the background. When this is over we wash your feet with our hair and Kelly Bensimon appears eating jelly beans and telling US that WE are crazy. SO basically, its our personal hell... Thats how bad we feel about being delinquent bloggers, so this is our apology. Please, forgive us for our absence. Forgive our souls and our lately pathetic blog. Thanks!

With that, we give your our 4th of July Maturity Index (THREE WEEKS LATE):

Friday:
-Holly (being the ONLY person in her office during a summer friday because she had to wait for an "important fax"!) rolls around the floor at work and goes outside to take a tan/fro yo break-Age 24
-Holly goes to 24th street in 600 hundred degree weather to wait 30 minutes for the “Double Happiness” bus and survives-no age, just this is quite the feat
-Holly gets dropped off in what looks like "da hood" in Delaware and tells Paige she is “working the corner”-Age 24
-Paige picks her up in Barbs BMW and they listen to Barbs Glee Season 1 Soundtrack whilst talking shit on it, and secretly being really into it-Age 15
-Paige’s dad starts poppin’ bottles and Paige and Holly learn the secrets of making Barb's “secret sauce”-no age just, try it!

Barbs’s Secret Sauce:
A few tablespoons butter
Some garlic
1/2 cup ketchup
1/2 can Coca Cola

Melt butter and garlic. Dump in ketchup in and coke. Stir stir stir until it condenses a bit. Consume attop grilled oysters (or if you're poor like us, some turkey pepperoni or slim jims).

-Emily and her family come over and everyone eats and Paige spills some wine AND some champagne-Age 24
-Paige and Holly settle in to the basement to watch Entourage (which Barb recommends)-Age 18 (and bro-ish)
-Paige passes out and Holly jangles the bracelets on her wrist and yell in her face to wake her up, this doesn’t work AT ALL so Holly goes up to Paige’s bed alone-Age 19
-Paige joins Holly at about 3am and they both sleep soundly until 7:00am the next day-Age 35

Saturday:
-Holly and Paige start their day at 7:00am and catch up on some much needed gossipy talk while drinking Doug-prepared smoothies-Age 30
-They both pack up the car, pick up Emily, and turn on some Glee Season 1 for the drive to Chestertown-Age 24
-Everyone needs a Wawa break and all get mint iced coffee’s, Em and Paige get cheese-filled soft pretzels, Holly get’s and apple, and Barb get’s Combo’s-Age 12, 32, and 9
-The girls drop of Barb and Doug and continue listening and singing to Glee Season 1 while they do the 45 second drive to the liquor store to purchase:
-1 Case Heineken-Age 30
-1 Case Bud Heavy-Age 40
-1 Case Bud Light LIME-Age 22 because this is when Holly starting drinking this and also when it made it’s beautiful debut into the world
-1 6/pk Smirnoff Ice (you knew this was coming) -Age 17 because that’s when we both probably tried this for the first time
-1 Liter Lemonade-Age 9
-1.5 Liters Burnett’s brand Sweet Tea Vodka-Age 21
-The girls forgot to buy water which is why they were sent out in the first place so have to do the 45 second drive again while listening to, what else, Glee Season 1-Age 16
-In a pre-sweet tea vodka stroke of genius, Paige hides a Smirnoff Ice in a cookie jar her brother Will would definitely turn to for cookies-Age 24


-The girls make their cocktails disguised as Sweet Tea and lay out next to the river-Age 24


-Will and his friend show up and people start getting Iced all over the place-Age 21


-Barb really wasn’t into the Icing of her children however looking back we think she was secretly jealous no one was Icing her-Age 21
-All the “kids” eat crabs on the dock and Holly watches Paige suck up the guts of about 14 crabs-I have no idea what age ANYONE is to literally SUCK crab goo out of a crab 14 times, so no age I guess
-Everyone goes inside to eat 2 types of coleslaw, corn, burgers, and dogs-All ages work for this right?
-Paige and Holly compare their differentiating styles of eating corn (Holly rotates the corn, Paige typewriter style)-Age 6
-Paige, Holly, and Em have a faux photo shoot on the boat-Age 12


-Holly has a conversation with Paige’s grandfather about the lives of trees-Age 72
-Holly, Em, Paige, Doug, Barb, and the cast of Glee Season 1 all head home-Age 15



Sunday:
-Paige and Holly wake up, put on stringy bikinis, and lay out at the neighbor’s art deco pool-Age 16
-Holly makes sure Paige puts on SPF 45 continuously throughout the day-Age 45
-Both read their respective literature, drink iced coffees, and take breaks to discuss what is going on in their books-Age 52
-Holly puts every single water floaty toy in the water and the girls are both obviously gravitate towards the large floating swan-Age 14

This REALLY happened...me having a swan between my legs and Paige scratching my back while in a pool

-The girls take a break to go inside to eat delicious sandwiches and watch Billy Elliot with Barb-Age 15
-Em meets the girls back at the pool and they all take turns floating on the swan while listening to 6 Bob Marley songs on repeat-Age 18
-Holly tries to relate to Paige’s family’s emotional connection to the cast of Friday Night Lights, but just finds herself wishing she could get caught in an elevator with “coach”-Age 17
-Doug takes all the girls to watch fireworks, patriotic feelings arise-Patriotic feelings while watching patriotic fireworks arise in EVERY age right?

So 3 weeks later we are letting you know that over the 4th we ended up being 23.5. Which is pretty good! However us not writing out blog is mean and cruel to all of our 43 fans (followers) doesn't get an age because it's just that bad.
Sorryyyyyy.
Please forgive and still like us.

Forever Your Girls (we mean it!),
Holly and Paige

Don't we look apologetic?