Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Fleablogging

Hey we just want to give a holler to Brownstoner's Brooklyn Flea blog for hollering at us.

http://www.brooklynflea.com/2010/04/ha_ha.html


We usually get hollered at while walking by the Bergen Street basketball courts but this is definitely better and entirely different.
Thanks Brooklyn Flea! See you, like, every Saturday.

Forever Your Girls,

Holly and Paige

Monday, April 12, 2010



The Maturity Index Comeback!


Friday:
-Paige babysits- Age 16
-Holly drinks wine and chats while her boyfriend makes her dinner and then goes to bed early- Age 45

Saturday:
-Paige buys the newspaper and a bagel for Chrissy- Age 32
-Also buys new nail polish "the color of a swimming pool!"- Age 12
-Holly and her boyfriend can’t remember the “artist” that made, “No Sex in he Champagne Room” and need to look it up-Age 24
-Which leads to boyfriend making her watch watch Gallagher videos- Age terrible
-Paige and Chrissy meet Holly at the opening day of the Brooklyn Flea- Age 26
-At Brooklyn Flea They...
-Try on lots of costume jewelry and clip on earrings- Age 10
-Ogle all the delicious-looking food but wont eat any because the line is too long, and foods too expensive- Age 18
-Although Holly makes a stranger show Paige her lobster roll as to justify line length-Age 14
-Instead of buying food, stop at each line-less vendor table and eat handfuls of free samples (vanilla lavender ginger snaps! spicy pickles! horseradish dip!)- Age 65
-Holly purchases a necklace with a secret clock inside, she is happy the clock doesn't work becuase it takes her an embarassingly long time to tell analogue time-Age 8
-Paige purchases a vintage Missoni glitter crop top because "it's very practical"- Age 15
-After the flea market Paige, Holly and Chrissy adjourn to No. 7 restaurant in Fort Greene where they enjoyed a bloody mary and discussed the NY Times article about parents regretting the names they gave their children- Age 35
-They order their second round and then start talking about the names they'd like to name their children (which they will undoubtedly regret). Holly favors retro-torture like Patsy, Betsy, and Dot, where Paige wants mess up her kids by giving her daughters boys names like Charlie and Alexander- Age 14
-Later Paige and Chrissy go for a long bike ride in Prospect Park where they feed the ducks and Paige picks a fight with a small child who she thinks is throwing bred crumbs "too hard" at the swans- Age 9
-Meanwhile Holly goes for a scantily-clad run through the Hasidic neighborhood, and for kicks does stretching in front of young Hasidic men/boys- Age 17
-After their activities the girls all lay on the couch with popcorn and easter-colored DOTS and watch a few episodes of Degrassi (its back!)- Age 12
-A Britney Spears music video showcase come on Fuse which is also showcases trends in video dance sequences and Britney’s weight fluctuation. We are fascinated- Age 13
-The girls take showers, decide they are "kinda over Ke$ha" and listen to "Creep" by TLC on repeat- Age 23


-While in Delaware last weekend Paige procured the "Mini Backpack" Holly has been so desperately coveting for months. Holly wears the backpack and Paige proudly remarks "Its my moms vintage backpack from the '90s"- Age 17
-Paige makes ANOTHER request for Sparx at the local bodega-Age 19
-Paige and Holly use the backpack for what must certainly be its intended purpose, to hold a 40oz PBR and take turns drinking from it while waiting for the A train- Age 20
-Paige, Holly and Chrissy arrive at
a friend of a friend of a friends fancy shmancy apartment on Wall Street where the doormen obvioulsy believes us to be "women of the night"- Age 18
-We are sorta used to this- Age 19
-At the apartment they turn down offers of Makers Mark and other pretentious alcohol and continue to drink their PBR 40- Age 20

-Soon they take a cab to a party at an even NICER apartment (though it didn't have a lobby with marble floors) on the Lower East Side where Chrissy takes charge and helps herself to mixing Holly a tumbler of vodka with a splash of Pepsi- Age 23
-Paige and Holly awkwardly dare eachother to request Miley’s “Party in the USA” from pretentious DJ, Holly finally gives in. Pretentious DJ shakes his head and basically scoffs us-age 15
-About 10 minutes later the DJ plays "Party in the USA" and suddenly the lame party picks up and everyone dances and sings because not-so-secretly EVERYONE loves that song, even if they pretend to like it "ironically". Paige and Holly are victorious and feel like party goddesses- Age 24
-Soon, the booze runs out at the party and the girls change locations, they meet up with some friends at Home Sweet Home, Holly invents a "dirty dance" with the mini backpack straps, girls tease her by asking if she's carrying Lunchables or her spelling homework in there- Age 16 (nope! Just LipSmackers and a RingPop!).
-Everyone quickly becomes sad because all the good-looking boys are making out with each-other and there is throw up in the bathroom, decide to call it a night- Age 25

Sunday:
-Chrissy regales Paige and Holly with tales of a "cheap-ish, all you can drink" brunch in the West Village with fish tacos. It takes little convincing to get them to come- Age 23


-The girls head to brunch where Holly makes the most ambitious bloody mary of all time at the DIY bloody bar. Even the waitress is impressed and takes a picture with her iPhone. Holly feels like Bloody Mary Goddess.- Age 27
-During boozy brunch the girls try not to stare at the couple obviously having a break-up convo behind them, and theorize on the finale of Lost- Age 19
-After brunch the girls buy the Sunday New York Times and read it on Pier 46, gagging at how adorable all the wedding announcements are, and are not-so-secretly jealous- Age 25



-Soon the need for fro-yo is too much to handle so they take a pilgrimage to Phileo Yogurt and have a contest over who's will weigh the most, as usual, Holly wins- Age 11
-Later that night, everyone girlpiles on the couch eating Popsicles, watching Wedding Crashers and waiting for roommate Kristy to return from her Mexican vacation. When she does we group hug, compliment her on her tan and start making plans for the week ahead- Age 24


Last weekend we acted, on average, 20.4 years old. This seems a little high considering both Miley and Brit Brit were pretty prevalent. Next weekend Kristy will again be present in our weekend activities, so cats and non-beer but still alcoholic beverages will be as well.

Forever Your Girls,
Paige and Holly

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

FDP FOOD JOURNAL

Week of March 28th Through April 3rd

Holly and I don’t claim to be experts in anything besides finding a great bargain and figuring out how to go a few months without doing laundry. And though food is something we love, admittedly, we eat more refined sugar than most people over the age of 6. So, we’d never kid ourselves into thinking we are real-deal “foodies”. But, once again prompted by an article we love on NYMag.com, we decided it might be funny to give a glimpse into our eating (and, okay, drinking) habits for one week. I’m kicking-off this new chapter in FDP by taking you through the week where I experienced Passover AND Ballpark fare with plenty of candy thrown in for good measure.
Bon Appetit!

Sunday:
I woke up early with a sore throat and a headache so I went to the fridge and got a carton or orange juice and 6 Vitamin B-12 pills. I drank the orange juice in bed and watched the entire first season of Party Down, you should too.
After that I got up and had about 8 gourmet malt balls Holly’s mom sent us for Easter, I needed fuel for the gym. After the gym I had a grape popsicle while watching Pretty Wild, don’t watch that. Then I took a shower where I ate a cherry popsicle.
Later, I met Liz in the village for drinks. We love the happy hour at The Dove Parlor, really amazing cocktails for $6, I had a grapefruit margarita with cinnamon-infused tequila.
After that Steven took me to dinner at a tiny restaurant in the West Village where you could sit at the counter and watch the chef make all the food, the chef wasn’t even a little nervous, we had carrot ginger soup, he had chicken enchiladas, and I had scallops with creamed potatoes and cauliflower and braised Brussels sprouts. I drank a Stella. On the way home we shared a Chipwitch from a bodega.

Monday:
At work I had an orange juice and a few cups of green tea. My office has been gifted this huge parcel of amazing green tea that we’ve all been raving about, then we realized it was Kirkland brand (aka CostCo tea) but we all still drink it ravenously.
For lunch I had chicken Udon from the deli downstairs it cost $7.25 but was totally worth it and I saved half of it for a snack for later.
On the way to Passover with Steven's family we had to stop so I can get cough drops and a candy snack. I had gummy bears and Steven had some peanut butter cups.
For Passover we eat a traditional Passover Seder, this is the second time I’ve ever had Seder and it does take some palate-adjusting. We had lots of Matzoth (which is yummy with horseradish), some brisket, a hard boiled egg, bitter herbs, gefilte fish, then, a salad with fennel, and turkey with gravy and fresh fruit for desert. I had four glasses of Kosher wine, too (four glasses are mandatory for the ceremony, for reals!)


Tuesday:
I woke up very hungry because I passed on so much gefilte fish, so on my way to work I grabbed a $1 buttered bialy from the bodega under my office. It was divine, I also had some pineapple orange juice because my throat was still super sore. At my desk I had two CostCo teas with honey.
For lunch I had what I like to call a “fancy salad” from the too-expensive gourmet grocery store in DUMBO, Foragers. On my fancy salad I had beets, feta, corn, chicken, pretentious croutons, couscous and olives. That fancy salad cost like $11 and was by far the most expensive thing I’d buy myself all week.
After work Chrissy, Kristy and I wandered through the rain trying to find this new bar in our neighborhood, to no avail. So we went to our old standby, Soda Bar, I had a frankfurter
for $3.25, they are so good there, and they give you a huge pickle and spicy mustard. I had two Blue Moons as well.
After this we went home and I had three grape popsicles while watching Lost.


Wednesday:
I still had a sore throat so I had three glasses of orange juice with my vitamins. At work I drank tons of CostCo tea with honey at my desk. For lunch I had miso soup for $1.75, my wallet was still really hurting from the previous days fancy salad. Later in the afternoon Sarah and I went to this amazing candy store in DUMBO, Dewy’s and I got $3.89 worth of sugar-free malt balls, I ate so many at my desk that I had to ask Sarah to hide them from me.
After work I met Liz for celebratory (she’d just quit her job) sushi on Mott street. Originally I was really craving yakatori but the place where we were going was closed that night so we wandered into a slightly-sketchy looking Sushi (and Thai?) place and it was actually delicious. The rainbow rolls totally melted on our mouths. But the edamame was way to salty. I had a tall Sapporo. Sushi total was around $20.
After dinner I went to Steven’s cafĂ©, Ground Support, to hang out with him until he closed. I had two classes of this amazing white wine called Vevi, it tastes the way My Little Ponies smell. I also had a piece of citrus-tinged dark chocolate, my dream desert. I’m not just saying this because he’s my boyfriend, but Ground Suport has the best coffee in New York, I could, and often do, live solely off of his sandwiches and now that he has beer and wine, I see little reason to ever eat or drink anywhere else.

Thursday:
I woke up and had coffee and orange juice with my vitamins. On the way to the subway Steven got a pastry and coffee from up the street and I nibbled some of that.
I had a meeting in midtown so for lunch I met Emily and Holly around Columbus Circle and Holly showed us her favorite mid-town fro-yo spot. I had plain fro-yo with strawberries, rainbow jimies and chocolate chips, it was delicious AND under $4, I was floored.
For the train ride home to Delaware, Steven packed me a snack of my favorite
Ground Support sandwich, "The Veggie" with cauliflower, tomatoes, radicchio, mango pickle aioli, feta cheese and olive oil on a crunchy chewy roll from Tomcat bakery. I usually have this sandwich at least three times a week. I also have one of my first Ground Support Iced Coffees of the spring, so killer.
When I got back to my parents house my mom showed me that she’d stocked-up on all necessary items to make “pretentious” turkey sandwiches that I love, including ripe avocado, manchego cheese and wasabi mayo. I made a half sandwich, then split a bottle of Prosecco with my mom while we watched Real Housewives of New York.

Friday:
For breakfast I took advantage of all the food my parents have in the house that Holly and I usually refer to as “rich people food”, like yogurt, cereal and fresh fruit, things we never buy in Brooklyn because its “not as good of a value” as Turkey Pepperoni or fudgecicles.
For lunch I made a sandwich with all the gear my mom procured for me, I also had an apple with peanut butter on it, and I shared that with our dog, Chessie.
My family, Emily’s family and several other family friends went to Philly for a baseball game. My brother Will, and I sat in our families seats while everyone else went to a birthday
party in a box. Will did an awesome job showing me the ins and outs of eating/drinking in a ball park. First we had to find Budweiser that was at a specific temperature, never over 25 degrees (Doug Tibbetts law). We found Bud Heavy aluminum bottles at 22 degrees, score! Will had a cheese steak and I had a hot dog. Later we had more beer and then we got soft serve with sprinkles (not jimmies!) in Phillies souvenir caps (that would later go on Chessie’s head). Eventually we joined our fam in the box and I had a ton of peanuts.

Saturday:
Shamefully, I slept till 11 so I had a breakfast/lunch combo (different than brunch) that included a bagel of questionable flavor (spicy cheese?) and an apple and some yogurt and tea.
I laid around and read and ate grapes most of the day, drank a lot of water and Emergen-C because I STILL felt sick.
For dinner I made my “famous cold cucumber soup”, which everyone politely ate
and pretended to be really into. My mom made rosemary-roasted potatoes, and a Greek salad and my dad grilled hamburgers, Will and I put mayo on our burgers like a couple of Canuks. I drank Pino Grigio from my parents wine rack, I’m guessing probably cost more than my normal $4 bottle from Trader Joes.
After dinner we met our family friends at a sports bar and thankfully everyone else was hooked on the basketball game and no one noticed how many Bud Lights I drank, I also ate some of Emily’s soft pretzel sticks she ordered.



So over the past week I feel I’ve done a pretty good job of spanning several cultures of food, from Jewish, to Waspy, sketchy-Japanese, to Philly, my appetite knows no bounds. But after assessing all of the things I chose to ravenously force into my body over the past seven days, some things are certain, I love candy, popsicles and mooching. Holly will hit you with her FDP Food Journal soon, be ready for lots of Splenda and something we call "stink beans".

Forever your girl,
Paige

Monday, April 5, 2010

We know, We're Sorry

Darlings,

We know its been a while, and you've been deprived of the Maturity Index. You may be thinking that Holly and my maturity has dipped below the age of about 6 and we are no longer able to type or use a computer. This is not the case. You know how Gossip Girl goes on a random hiatus between Thanksgiving and Spring Break? Well, consider this our hiatus, and its almost over!

After a few weekends on the road, visiting our families, or just being boring and not doing anything worth writing about, Holly and I will be back next Monday with a new maturity index that will undoubtedly be celebrating spring, our bikes (The Royale and The Crimson Wave), and the fact that were back on a popsicle-exclusive diet.

To prove that we love you forever and have been thinking about you, please enjoy THIS, a live video of Phil Colins' smash hit "Something Happened on the Way to Heaven"

Forever your girl,
Paige

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Hump Day Inspiration:

At least you aren't...
Trying to compete with James Franco
I bet he killed that with his BEAR hands... no?

It's common knowledge that Holly and I share and undying love of James Franco, a love so intense and undying it shines like a thousand suns, a love so unifying we've promised each other (pre-boyfriends) that if, for any reason James Franco ever came into our lives and had trouble choosing between us, that we would whole heartedly enter into a "Big Love"-esque mormon family bond with him.
There's enough to go around.
You see, Franco isn't just your every-day, Hollywood foxy (or fozzy) smoke-dog who strolls onto a movie set, reads a few lines then retreats to his Malibu home and does drugs with Lindsay Lohan. I mean, he may do these things, who knows, but besides that, he's so much more!

James Franco was on "Freaks and Geeks", remember how awesome that show was?!
Oh, too bad the rest of the cast and the creator were never heard from again.

Then he was in all the Spider Man's, and he played a villain, but a totally hot one (I think). Then, and I'm reading his imdb page, here, this isn't memorized, he was in some movie called "You Only Stalk the Ones You Love", which I've never heard of, but will probably try and Netflix.
We took this when we were stalking...

He was in "Pineapple Express" (aka "Smoking High" in Japan... thanks imdb), where he proved he was funny. He played Harvey Milk's boyfriend in "Milk" and we totally saw his butt in that. He played Allen Ginsberg in "Howl". And THEN starred in a season of "General Hospital" which he did as some sort of hyper-meta performance art piece, as he was playing a painter while he was actually preparing for a gallery show opening of his own. Thats right, James Franco paints! Only while he's not hosting SNL, and actually being quite funny.


At the "FRANCO" exhibit

Good luck, every other guy on the planet.

Want to know what else James Franco does? He gets a creative writing MFA from Columbia, while studying film making at NYU. And want to know what happens when James Franco writes a short story? It's printed in Esquire (http://www.esquire.com/fiction/james-franco-fiction-0410) And it doesn't even suck that bad!

As if all this weren't enough today we found out that James Franco is going to get his PhD. at YALE next year, not that that's a big deal or anything.

So today, we'd like to dedicate our Humpday to you, any human who is trying to compete in "hotness combined with awesomeness" with James Franco. You loose. I bet he volunteers at the Ronald McDonald House on the weekends and is totally into puppies and listening to me complain about my job, too.

Dr. Franco, you know where to find us.

Forever your girl,
Paige

Friday, March 26, 2010

WEEKENDNESS!

...and also what is on my mind

So today is my last day working for my current job, where I have been working for a year and a half. People keep asking me if I'm sad or excited, and if I'll miss them. There has been some office whispering which I hope means someone is bringing in pizzas for lunch or cupcakes or Starbursts or something. I am wondering if I should just leave all my office swag here (pictures of friends and family, a beagle magnet) as a shrine. So today's post could easily be about all of this last day of my first real job, but I really don't care that much. Seriously, I didn't even wear a bra today, I have other things on my mind:

-a lamb craving

yum!

-if George Clooney has dumped his current girlfriend yet

-my new Degree Girl "Just Dance!" deodorant that has a pink glitter cap


-the fact that that Beyonce might be pregnant

-the fact that I am going to a Perpetual Groove concert tonight with my boyfriend and couldn't name a Perpetual Groove song if I had a knife to my throat

A Perpetual Groove show...

-the fact that that all of my friends are going to Anchor Bar where I, admittedly, know the lyrics to every Lady Gaga and T.I. song that will be played there tonight

A Lady Gaga show...

-the fact that I owe Paige 3 Push-Up Pops

-my dream last night that involved the partial nudity of male cast members of "Dancing with the Stars"

My brain power isn't quite powerful enough to compose a concise post about any of these thoughts, so instead Paige and I will give you a little weekend treat.

Paige's ex-roommate from college, Brittany, is coming for a little visit tonight. My fondest Brittany memory (that I'm aware of) is when I brought my mother into the Roxy store in Charleston, where Brittany and Paige worked. Brittany had recently adopted a black chihuahua who was appropriately named Gnarly. As a "prank" (on who, it is unclear) Brittany had glued a black hair extension track to Gnarly's head and after removal some extension glue still remained on the tiny dogs head. Instead of my mother commenting on something about gluing things to dogs' heads, she just suggested putting Goo-Be-Gone on the dogs tangerine-sized head to remove the weave by-product. Brilliant!

So, as this is a Brittany/Gnarly/Doing Weird Things With Dogs themed weekend, please enjoy this clip of de-weaved Gnarly in "robot shoes".


Everybody have great weekend! I am excited to pretend to know words to songs I have never heard before and we are all excited to see Brittany!

Forever Your Girl,

Holly

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hump Day:

At Least You Aren't an Un-famous Person Seeking a Book Deal
or, maybe you are, in which case, you'll feel our pain.

Well, as all of our faithful readers know, on Wednesdays, the hardest day of the week to survive, we like to bring you a little bit of news to brighten your gloomy, office-occupied Humpday. Normally this news is about someone who has it really rough, someone you can look at be think "I may be at my desk under fluorescent lighting, filing old faxes by date, but at least I have it better than (insert Humpday Victim here)".

Well friends, today we are attempting to enlist some personal sympathy. Sympathy for us and all the other young writers of the world who write until their hands bleed and until their eyes are twitching, those of us who scribble ideas in the night onto post-its only to wake up with notes that say something like short story idea: a girl who is pregnant with two babies from different dads AT THE SAME TIME or similar genius thought fragments.
Same uterus, DIFFERENT DADS

Those of us who have poured our hearts out onto or MacBooks, and sent our idea off to callous agents who we'll never hear from again OR agents who will tell you "I could sell this if you'd been on a reality show" (yes, this ACTUALLY HAPPENED)*. Because, dear friends, we live in a world where talent and ambition is no longer valued and the only currency is your willingness to debase yourself on national television.
Laugh it up, Conrad.

Case and point, Holly and I were horrified to find out today that coveted book deals have been granted to JWOWW and Ronnie, some of the orangest, shiniest, big-boobiest cast members of MTV's "The Jersey Shore". Oh, the HUMANITY!

Poet Laureate's of the Armpit of America

Okay, did i watch every single episode of "The Jersey Shore"? Yes, but whatever, I told myself it was zeitgeist-y performance art. Do I own a book entitled "Laguna Beach: Life Inside The Bubble"? Yeah, so what! ?I got it for Easter, like, Freshman year of college, big deal.
The Easter Bunny Did It

The POINT is that its not fair! Apparently the two have been commissioned to co-write a book entitled "Never Fall In Love at the Jersey Shore... Lest You Should Need a Perscription to Herpacin for the Rest of Your Days", ok i made that last part up. But apparently this is going to be a "How-To" book with plenty of tips and tricks to unleash your inner sweaty, juicy, drunken "guido".

First of all, I'm shocked learn that JWOWW and Ronnie are even literate, let alone able to sit down long enough, while sober to actually commit "thoughts" to paper. Also I read a statement that JWOWW wrote about the "clothing" line she's "working on" and she wrote that her clothes are very easy to "where", not "wear", where. As in "this shirt barely covers my nipples, where is the rest of the fabric?" Kind of proving my point.
Totally whereable

As for Ronnie, the only "how to" advice I'd ever take from him is "how to beat the shit out of someone who threatens you" but this is only something I should learn because sometimes I have to walk home from the subway late at night. And yes, fine I wouldn't mind reading his advice on how to make Ron Ron Juice, because it kind of looks delish and obviously makes everyone drunk enough that it doesn't really hurt when they get punched in the face.

I don't like to be a "hater", I really don't. But all I've ever wanted to be is a writer, as long as I can remember. So I really wish someone had given me the memo that said: "All you have to do to make all your writerly dreams come true is be born unto Italians, get breast implants and skunk-streak hair extensions, wear sweatpants in public, tan, avoid getting any semblance of a 'real job', dance in a scary fashion and get blackout drunk on MTV.

Instead, I followed the now-defunct memo that read: "Read big, long books whenever you can, fill hundreds of notebooks before you reach middle school, enter every writing contest ever, pay attention to details, go to college, study english, move to New York, and pray someone will like what you write."

A lot of good that's done.

So, on this Humpday, be glad you are not me or Holly, or any other young writer struggling to get their ideas out there in a world where empty, orange heads are at a premium.
She's on OUR side.
*Also, we told Joyce Carrol Oates one time how we were turned down by an agent because we'd never been on a reality show and SHE said "Thats Despicable"... did you hear that Literary world JOYCE CARROL OATES THINKS THIS IS DESPICABLE.

FOREVER Your Girl who will write for you forever,

Paige