Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Maturity Index:


17 years

Every year the good people of the amish community allow their adolescent children to experience a time called "Rumspringa" which translates literally into "running around". After the Amish kids "run around" they are asked to decide between Amish baptism or life as a civilian. This is a true test of grit and maturity, not unlike the test of a Memorial Day, three day weekend that included a bachelorette party, a 25th birthday, massive amounts of day drinking and multiple BBQs. How did we non-Amish ladies fare when our maturity was tested with our own Rumspringa (emphasis on the rum! harharhar)? Lets find out....

-Because she has the day off, Holly puts on a bikini under her clothes to go lay out at McCarren park-Age16
-Holly goes into bathroom to change out of bikini during lunch as it was basically late-fall weather-Age 9
-Holly and Shawn try 6 cheeses at the Bedford Cheese Shop while Holly profusely apologizes for all the effort the cheese counter guy puts into cheese samples-Age 30
-Holly makes Shawn go to Buffalo Exchange to see if they can get Holly a pair of pants to wear to dinner as Holly has dressed for the beach-Age 9
-Shawn isn't set on the J Brand flares so Holly wears Shawns pants instead- Age 13
-Paige wears a sequin glitter crop top to dinner with Steven at Mooncakes- Age 15
-Paige and Steven go to the final night of the Whitney Biennial- Age 45
-When faced with the staggering line for entry Steven employs some of his "city kid gangster shit" by pulling entry stickers off people exiting the museum, fastening the stickers to his and Paige's shirts, and explaining to the guard that they are members (not true)- Age 14
-They stop on the way home to get Chipwhiches- Age 8

-All the roommates lay out on the roof and use their Blackberries to track down Kristy's favorite song from adolescence "Something More Beautiful" by Nikki Webster- Age 12 (because that's probably how old Nikki was when she recorded it, and its creepy. We were going to attach a video of her singing, but this is kinda photo shoot video of her is sorta better)

-Paige and Chrissy head to Brooklyn Flea and indulge in some Asia Dogs. "Mines like a Bhan Mi but with a wiener in it!"- Age 23
-On the way to the grocery store, Paige and Chrissy detour and get pitchers of Bud Heavy at Hot Bird- Age 20
-Finally at the grocery store Chrissy and Paige pick up the ingredients for what is about to become Paige's finest mixologist achievement to date "The RUMspringa". Coconut water, orange pineapple juice, pink ginger ale, frozen strawberries.- Age 24

-Kristy and Holly's childhood friend who is soon-to-be-married comes into town with her friend, they all go to get lunch, walk the BK bridge, and then back home to get ready-Age 24

-Kristy and Holly pass out the Bachelorette party goodie bags they made consisting of:
-2 Tootsie Pops each -Age 6
-1 Candy necklace each (only to be eaten by BOYS)- Age 15
-1 String of silver Mardi Gras beads- Age 13
-2 White hair barrettes shaped like bows-Age 2
-1 pair glitter Hello Kitty heart-shaped plastic sunglasses-Age 4
-1 puffy painted shirt reading "Game On" (The bride-to-be read "Game On") -Age 24
-Everyone drinks lots and dances to Holly's wedding/love/lust including "Going to the Chapel" by the Dixie Cups and "Single Ladies", obviously-Age 21

-Paige gets a little feisty from the Red Bull and smack-talks the creepy drunk bald man saying gross things to the girls on the subway platform. Paige's "feisty" attitude and filthy mouth lead the Midwestern out-of-town girls to say, "Paige is very Philly"- Age 30 (and male, and shameful. But seriously that guy had it comin')
-The first stop off the train is Mason Dixon, all six girls line up to ride the mechanical bull, barely noticing the bar is full of sailors for Fleet Week- Age 18
Holly on bull
-Chrissy is an extremely sensual bull-rider- Age 25
-Everyone complains that that "no hot guys are buying us shots" so we leave- Age 18
-The girls finally convince one cab driver to let all 6 girls in the cab and convince him to "pump this jam!" when Bulletproof by La Roux comes on- Age 19
-An extremely sweaty dance session occurs climaxing with Paige and Holly taking turns tackling each other onto the couches in the back of Beauty Bar (Holly just remembers this as Paige dancing on the couch, decide for yourselves)- Age 14
-Somewhere along the way Paige's knee starts bleeding.- No Age, just gangster.
Blood on the Dancefloor

-Tucked into Paige's bed just in time for the sun to come up, Paige and Holly drunk dial just about everyone they know (Holly's boyfriend refused to talk about message left the next day)- Age 18

-Holly gets up earliest and starts making coffee, birthday muffins, fruit salad and yogurt parfaits for Kristy's 25th birthday brunch- Age 35
-Paige gets up a little later and pours Andre and off-brand orange juice into wine glasses as her brunch contribution- Age 20
-At the kitchen table the girls enjoy Holly's muffins and swap stories about embarrassing childhood moments (someone had a back brace...) and what it feels like heading toward "middle age"- Age 40
-Paige, Holly and Chrissy bring out Kristy's birthday cake. This time it has a "Stone Street" on it made out of marshmallows (Kristy meets boyfriends on Stone Street in the Financial District... you should try it!) and there is also a cat with marshmallow eyes.- Age 14

-After brunch all the girls lay on the roof and put Sun-In in their hair- Age 12

-Everyone has large bruises and even some scabbing on their inner thighs which looks like something really F*@#&d up happened, but it was all just the bull riding incident-Age 19
-After much thought, Paige and Chrissy decide they should go on the Kelly Bensimon Diet (KBD) which consists solely of beer and "gum berries" or anything with high fructose corn syrup- Age 18
-The girls lay around the apartment, watch Real Housewives, paint their nails, take naps and ask Steven to be their bartender then accuse him of skimping on the booze- Age 24
-The girls and Steven head to Chelsea for their friends rooftop BBQ, they take in the view, are inflicted with an incurable case of "apartment envy"- Age 24
-Paige and Steven head home early- Age 45
-Chrissy and Holly play a poor excuse for beer pong- Age 17
-Chrissy and Holly get the party host to pay a whopping $1.29 for Miley's party hit "Party in the USA", Holly dances to this alone while entire party, Shawn included, silently watch-Age 16
-Holly makes Shawn and Chrissy do cute poses pretending they are a couple, then she gets jealous because they do a remarkably good job-Age 16
-Holly takes a picture on her phone of Chrissy talking to a chiseled young man and sends to Paige and Kristy-Age 12
-Holly passes out in party hosts bed (alone)-Age18
-Chrissy and about 1/3 of party join in on having a sleep party, although Holly is serious about this and demands a blanket to accommodate the 85-degree weather-Age 15
-Shawn brings the girls home via taxi and puts them in bed-Age 18

-Paige finally catches up on her sleep, snoozing in Steven's air conditioned "sleep cave" till 10:30- Age 18
this bear sleeping in a cave is totally relevant

-Paige cruises around Soho where she purchases two identical lace tank tops, a $4 dress, and (just what she needs) more bracelets. She visits Steven at Ground Support and gloats over her new (under $15!) outfit- Age 16
-Paige and Steven ride bikes around Prospect Park where Paige is awkwardly, accidentally hit with a Nerf ball while on her bike. She feels sad- Age 13
-Holly goes to Greenpoint to aid in Shawn's bbq-Age 24
-They get in a minor league fight about the amount of sausages to buy (Holly goes for the larger number, obviously)-Age 22

-Chrissy comes over (beer in hand), and Holly's friend Marissa from Minnesota comes by and everyone eat's Shawn's gourmet meal-Age 24
-Marissa, Holly, and Chrissy take a car back to Brooklyn just in time to join Paige and Steven for a bike ride to Havana Outpost for dinner and margs-Age 24
-The group snags an extremely hard-to-come-by table and Paige is given the job of warding off grumpy families who try to encroach on the territory. Paige has to get a little "Philly" a few times- Age 21
-Everyone enjoys the yummy (and environmentally friendly!) food, except Holly who feels sick and excuses herself to the street to vomit on a Mercedes- Age 15
-Back at home everyone piles on the couch, absent-mindedly flipping back and forth between The Jersey Shore and an old episode of Jackass- Age 13

So, this is uncomfortable. Kind of like an amish kid coming home to his parents after Rumspringa, knowing full-well he has to live with what he's done, but cold hard fact is that our average age from last weekend was 17 years old. There's not much more to say except that next weekend Holly turns 25. To celebrate we will be headed out of town with some of our lady friends and family ("lady" used loosely) for a romantic Atlantic City shitshow to celebrate a gaggle of summer birthdays and run a 9-person brothel out of a single hotel room. So expect next weeks Maturity Index to involve, cake, guidos, guidettes, partying in the USA and Paige pushing people into pools. But don't expect to hear the full story because like, what happens in AC STAYS IN AC.... Are we right?!!?

Forever Your Girls,
Holly and Paige

No comments:

Post a Comment