Monday, April 12, 2010

The Maturity Index Comeback!

-Paige babysits- Age 16
-Holly drinks wine and chats while her boyfriend makes her dinner and then goes to bed early- Age 45

-Paige buys the newspaper and a bagel for Chrissy- Age 32
-Also buys new nail polish "the color of a swimming pool!"- Age 12
-Holly and her boyfriend can’t remember the “artist” that made, “No Sex in he Champagne Room” and need to look it up-Age 24
-Which leads to boyfriend making her watch watch Gallagher videos- Age terrible
-Paige and Chrissy meet Holly at the opening day of the Brooklyn Flea- Age 26
-At Brooklyn Flea They...
-Try on lots of costume jewelry and clip on earrings- Age 10
-Ogle all the delicious-looking food but wont eat any because the line is too long, and foods too expensive- Age 18
-Although Holly makes a stranger show Paige her lobster roll as to justify line length-Age 14
-Instead of buying food, stop at each line-less vendor table and eat handfuls of free samples (vanilla lavender ginger snaps! spicy pickles! horseradish dip!)- Age 65
-Holly purchases a necklace with a secret clock inside, she is happy the clock doesn't work becuase it takes her an embarassingly long time to tell analogue time-Age 8
-Paige purchases a vintage Missoni glitter crop top because "it's very practical"- Age 15
-After the flea market Paige, Holly and Chrissy adjourn to No. 7 restaurant in Fort Greene where they enjoyed a bloody mary and discussed the NY Times article about parents regretting the names they gave their children- Age 35
-They order their second round and then start talking about the names they'd like to name their children (which they will undoubtedly regret). Holly favors retro-torture like Patsy, Betsy, and Dot, where Paige wants mess up her kids by giving her daughters boys names like Charlie and Alexander- Age 14
-Later Paige and Chrissy go for a long bike ride in Prospect Park where they feed the ducks and Paige picks a fight with a small child who she thinks is throwing bred crumbs "too hard" at the swans- Age 9
-Meanwhile Holly goes for a scantily-clad run through the Hasidic neighborhood, and for kicks does stretching in front of young Hasidic men/boys- Age 17
-After their activities the girls all lay on the couch with popcorn and easter-colored DOTS and watch a few episodes of Degrassi (its back!)- Age 12
-A Britney Spears music video showcase come on Fuse which is also showcases trends in video dance sequences and Britney’s weight fluctuation. We are fascinated- Age 13
-The girls take showers, decide they are "kinda over Ke$ha" and listen to "Creep" by TLC on repeat- Age 23

-While in Delaware last weekend Paige procured the "Mini Backpack" Holly has been so desperately coveting for months. Holly wears the backpack and Paige proudly remarks "Its my moms vintage backpack from the '90s"- Age 17
-Paige makes ANOTHER request for Sparx at the local bodega-Age 19
-Paige and Holly use the backpack for what must certainly be its intended purpose, to hold a 40oz PBR and take turns drinking from it while waiting for the A train- Age 20
-Paige, Holly and Chrissy arrive at
a friend of a friend of a friends fancy shmancy apartment on Wall Street where the doormen obvioulsy believes us to be "women of the night"- Age 18
-We are sorta used to this- Age 19
-At the apartment they turn down offers of Makers Mark and other pretentious alcohol and continue to drink their PBR 40- Age 20

-Soon they take a cab to a party at an even NICER apartment (though it didn't have a lobby with marble floors) on the Lower East Side where Chrissy takes charge and helps herself to mixing Holly a tumbler of vodka with a splash of Pepsi- Age 23
-Paige and Holly awkwardly dare eachother to request Miley’s “Party in the USA” from pretentious DJ, Holly finally gives in. Pretentious DJ shakes his head and basically scoffs us-age 15
-About 10 minutes later the DJ plays "Party in the USA" and suddenly the lame party picks up and everyone dances and sings because not-so-secretly EVERYONE loves that song, even if they pretend to like it "ironically". Paige and Holly are victorious and feel like party goddesses- Age 24
-Soon, the booze runs out at the party and the girls change locations, they meet up with some friends at Home Sweet Home, Holly invents a "dirty dance" with the mini backpack straps, girls tease her by asking if she's carrying Lunchables or her spelling homework in there- Age 16 (nope! Just LipSmackers and a RingPop!).
-Everyone quickly becomes sad because all the good-looking boys are making out with each-other and there is throw up in the bathroom, decide to call it a night- Age 25

-Chrissy regales Paige and Holly with tales of a "cheap-ish, all you can drink" brunch in the West Village with fish tacos. It takes little convincing to get them to come- Age 23

-The girls head to brunch where Holly makes the most ambitious bloody mary of all time at the DIY bloody bar. Even the waitress is impressed and takes a picture with her iPhone. Holly feels like Bloody Mary Goddess.- Age 27
-During boozy brunch the girls try not to stare at the couple obviously having a break-up convo behind them, and theorize on the finale of Lost- Age 19
-After brunch the girls buy the Sunday New York Times and read it on Pier 46, gagging at how adorable all the wedding announcements are, and are not-so-secretly jealous- Age 25

-Soon the need for fro-yo is too much to handle so they take a pilgrimage to Phileo Yogurt and have a contest over who's will weigh the most, as usual, Holly wins- Age 11
-Later that night, everyone girlpiles on the couch eating Popsicles, watching Wedding Crashers and waiting for roommate Kristy to return from her Mexican vacation. When she does we group hug, compliment her on her tan and start making plans for the week ahead- Age 24

Last weekend we acted, on average, 20.4 years old. This seems a little high considering both Miley and Brit Brit were pretty prevalent. Next weekend Kristy will again be present in our weekend activities, so cats and non-beer but still alcoholic beverages will be as well.

Forever Your Girls,
Paige and Holly


  1. You girls are the highlight of my work day.
    Singing you praise from Sydney, Australia.
    And, if you really want to get down to vicinity, it's Crown Street, Surry Hills.
    An uber cool equivalent of LES.
    Sx Sarah Sx

  2. Thanks for the love, Paperback Writer! We love readers from down under!

    As for you, person writing in asian characters, linking us to weird porn sites, please stop. you are making us feel dirty.