Monday, April 26, 2010

Maturity Index: Bikes, Hammocks and Other Ways You Know Its Warm

This past weekend we rode bikes, made treats, watched an embarrassing amount of The Hills and adults made the mistake of inviting us into their home! Did we behave? Let's see how it all played-out on our scientifically-sound Maturity Index...


-Holly goes to Karl Denson at the Brooklyn Bowl after pre-gaming with tequila she got for free from a deli-Age 22

-Paige, Kristy and Chrissy drink fancily-crafted, pricey cocktails at a chic speak easy in the 'hood- Age 27

-Around 1:30 am, Paige, Kristy and Chrissy walk home, leaning on each-other and commence making powdered mashed potatoes and watching Cruel Intentions on the CW before passing out on the couch (waking up just in time to cry a little bit at the final montage where Reese is driving away while wearing Sebastian's sunglasses and "Bittersweet Symphony" is playing)- Age 19
-Paige wakes up, roasting. Her electric bed, is set all the way to 10 and she is wearing sweatpants and a flannel shirt and, curiously, matching socks while the sun beats through her window. She decides to start her day- Age 42

-Holly has banana walnut bread for breakfast from Bakeri in Williamsburg-Age 52

-Bakeri bread is followed by a bodega banana Popsicle, just before 10am-Age 6

-Paige goes to the West Village to get her bike from Stevens house, while she is there, she puts his ceramic dog statue on his couch and takes a phone pic of their "practice pet" wearing her sunglasses, laughs hysterically, alone- Age 8
-Everyone meets at home and prepares for the first official group bike ride of the summer- Age 24

-Before they can ride, everyone stops at Vanderbilt Bikes to put air in their tires. While doing this, Chrissy accidentally adds too much air to Holly's old-ass tires and the tires literally EXPLODE. Holly lets out a blood curdling scream and Chrissy is temporarily deafened- No age just, really?

-Holly hangs behind to get new tires while the rest of the gang heads towards Red Hook in search of the famous Red Hook Ballfied Taco Vendors- Age 23

-On the way there Paige and Sarah buy $4 bike helmets from a Tony Soprano-alike, who's gnawing on a nasty cigar and staring at Kristys boobs- Age 18
-Meanwhile, Holly is back at Vanderbilt Bikes trying to set a good example by pretending to look at pricey $34 helmets in an attempt to influence a group of well-dressed cyclist children - Age 56

-Paige makes everyone take a detour to the Gowanus Canal where she makes everyone stop and listen to her talk about the history of the canal, and other boring facts- Age 60

-Finally at the Ballfields, tacos are nowhere to be found. The gang contemplates heading to close-by IKEA for some Swedish meatballs and a new slipcover instead.- Age 30

-The gang rides their bikes to Steve's Key Lime Pie Factory and munches on mini-pies while waiting for Holly and her new tires to catch up- Age 13

-When Holly arrives she tries to feed pie crumbs to the fish in a Koi pond- Age 6

-Divulging more fun facts, Paige points out that the Key Lime Pie factory backs-up to The Real World: Brooklyn house. "Yeah the season with the transvestite"- Age 16

-Everyone rides back to Prospect Heights where, because of the earlier taco fake-out, they decide to quench taco cravings by trying out a new place on Vanderbilt Ave. The prawn and chicken tacos are divine, and come with 5 free chips- Age 21
-Sarah wants to flirt with the man behind the cash reregister, but when he comes outside to talk to the girls they notice his braces and the fact that he's "smoking" an electric cigarette... He also calls the girls "Jersey Girls", so they hop on our bikes and ride home, agitated- Age 14

-At home everyone takes turns taking showers, painting nails and watching The Hills marathon- Age 16

-Holly returns from the grocery and liquor stores with supplies to bring "treats" to Shawn's Earth Day Rooftop BBQ- Age 32

-These supplies include:
-Rum- Age 26
-Peach Georgi Vodka- Age 19
-Ingredients for green and blue Rice Krispy treats- Age 9
-(Fancy) Chips and Salsa- Age 23

-Holly and Sarah commence to making an "earthy treat" Paige invented, called "Earthballs". Earthballs happen when you make a blue batch and a green batch of Rice Krispy treats and mash them together into balls that "look like the earth". This is made even better when you place plastic animals on top of them (we always keep plastic animals on-hand at our house for occasions such as this)- Age 10
-Paige looks-on, cocktail in hand, like a disinterested stepmother, as the other girls do the treat crafting -Age 45 (treat crafting involves buttery hands and the chemical prosesses involved with marshmallow goo and food coloring)

-Holly makes her version of "simple syrup" for Mojitos, which involves putting the mint into the water and sugar combo while its on the stove, which no one else thinks is correct. After it is made Holly absentmindedly pours it down the drain because she is distracting herself by chatting and working simultaneously. She has to make it again, when she probably shouldn't have made in the first place- Age 90

-Everyone is finally ready and carries Holly's offerings of Earthballs, rum, chips and $6 salsa, and curiously colored simple syrup to the train. Though it is cold Holly is still wearing a crop top, and Paige is still wearing cut offs- Age 16
-Holly pairs her crop top with her bunny-skin Juicy Couture hoodie- Age 18 (circa 2004)
-Paige pairs her cut-offs with 6 inch wooden clogs- Age 18 (circa 1974)
-Paige is wearing a jacket made of material that will NEVER decompose (polyster and aluminum?) and Holly is wearing real fur and two types of leather, Go Earth Day!-No age, just that we are rarely so off-theme.

-On the roof, everyone enjoys the expertly barbecued food, hot dogs, burgers, black & tan marinated sausages, turkey burgers, "triple dipped wings" and grilled onions. Which is washed-down with fancy artisanal beers-Age 34

-Embarrassed at how many wings they've been eating, Paige, Kristy, Holly and Steven dispense the bones from their wings on Chrissy's plate. Point-out that it looks like Chrissy had around a dozen wings on her own. Make a big deal out of this. Paige tells her that her plate looks like the boneyard from the "Lion King"- Age 14

-After dinner Paige, Holly, Kristy, Chrissy and Sarah form the record-largest girliple on the roof-top hammock, they make Steven climb dangerously high on the adjacent roof to take pictures- Age 13

Soon, its time for desert. Holly and Paige nervously present their Earthballs, topped with toy animals. This offering is overshadowed by a professional-baker guest who has bested them with beautiful and delicious red velvet mini-cupcakes. Holly and Paige console each-other with the fact that their treat was much more on-theme- Age 11

-A light rain begins to fall and the girl group eventually makes its way inside the apartment, they sit on the couch, browse "High Times" and Holly talks about the soccer game on TV, much to everyones chagrin. A plan is devised to head to Spring Lounge down the street- Age 21

-Before leaving, Paige points out that Sarah's shoes look like thespian "stage shoes". Paige and Sarah begin singing New York-themed Showtunes (in their best "1940's voice) and doing jazz hands-Age 67

-At Spring Lounge everyone stands in the middle of the bar, dancing halfheartedly to Tom Petty songs as their meat meal sits heavy in their stomachs- Age 50

-By 11pm everyone decides that the night probably hit its apex of awesomeness in the "Ham(mock) Girlpile" and everyone heads home- Age 24

-Paige and Steven go to brunch at The New French followed by an open house- Age 42

-Holly goes to brunch at Le Gamine and covers her meal with spicy French mustard while trying to get her boyfriend to talk about his Hebrew School experience-Age 24

-Holly, Shawn, Kristy and Chrissy watch more of The Hills marathon and discuss the pros and cons of plastic surgery-Age 19
-At Stevens house Paige watches "The Assassination of Jesse James" and texts Holly about how awesome it is, to which Holly responds "Its awesome, but its scary, it's shitballs scary."- Age 16

-Back in Brooklyn, Holly and Paige sit on the couch and eat Laffy Taffy push-up pops and finish The Hills marathon, watch a really depressing 16 and Pregnant, and go to bed at 10- Age 15

So, guys! Despite all The Hills-watching, treat-eating, and teasing that went on this weekend, our average age was 26.5! Thats the most mature we've ever been, if I'm not mistaken. Let's chalk it up to the open house-attending and the fact that we hung out with some married people at that Barbecue.

Next weekend, we celebrate two birthdays! Paige's employer THE L MAGAZINE turns 7, and throws a boozy bash, followed by beloved FDP gal Emily's belated 24th celebration. Plus our apartment turns youth hostel with 3 extra guests!

Forever your girls,
Paige & Holly


  1. Holly brings off-brand tortilla chips (salsitas, because they are salsa FLAVORED) to fancy party only to find that there is already a spread of very expensive-looking organic potato chips and babaghounoush. Puts them out anyway - no age because tortilla chips are timeless

  2. Dear FDP gals,

    We LOVE your blog! Kitty and I crack up at your antics and can't help comparing them to our own wacky adventures. But the maturity index takes the cake. Pure genius.

    Kitty has been following you girls for a while but we rediscovered the awesomeness you offer when the BKFlea gave you that shoutout a few weeks ago. We just started a Tumblr blog to go along with our's still young, but we hope it entertains like yours.

    When we finally get a spot at the BKFlea you guys should stop by and say hi!

    In the meantime, I saw this yesterday and thought you may want to get in the "Derby Spirit" this weekend with a Mint Julep!

    Oh, and Holly - you weren't too far off on your simple syrup recipe!

    Enjoy the beautiful weather this weekend! Don't know about you, but Prospect Park and the Spring Food & Craft Market at the BK Lyceum are calling our names!

    Brownie & Kitty