Monday, December 21, 2009

Maturity Index: Faux Birthdays and Fo Real Hanukkah

Last weekend Paige celebrated 2 fake birthdays and Holly attempted to win over her boyfriend's family at their Hanukkah party in New Jersey.


-We threw Paige a faux party because she complains that everyone usually forgets or blows off her Birthday due to the proximity to Christmas and the fact that the birth of Jesus is more important than her birth , and she is jealous- Age 6
-Paige's best friends and boyfriend all meet at our house and everyone brings offerings of champagne and holiday cheer- Age 30
-We have a Taylor Swift sing along- Age 12
-dressed in faux silk dresses from Forever 21 drinking faux Crystal Light and Georgi vodka (do we see a theme? At least the vodka is real) Age-18
-Paige gets her birthday cake , homemade with her favorite animal, a Unicorn on it with a 3D horn and blue hair (mane) - Age 7
-We all take cabs to Brooklyn Bowl where we order fancy beers and continue our dance party- Age 21
-Holly coat-checks an oversize floral duffel bag that she drunk packed for the Hanukkah party-Age 19
-We spot Vinnie Chase ( Adrian Grenier) across the bar, giggle, push eachother toward him to introduce ourselves and eventually demand photo-ops- Age 16
-Roommate requests "Party in the USA" at the Brooklyn Bowl (they, shocker, do not play this)Age 7
-Some of us get sleepy and fall asleep on the couch- Age 5
-Awake people act out the song "Too Close" in a provocative manner, middle school dance-style- Age 12


-Paige wakes up and goes to the sketchy neighborhood diner with her boyfriend and one of our roommates for sketchy omelet hangover cures- Age 21
-Holly wakes up to get ready for their South Jersey road trip only to find she packed a slew of crotch-length satin dresses, a pair of open-toed shoes, pink Juicy sweatpants, and t-shirts in Christmas colors- Age 13
-Boyfriend drives Holly home to re-pack and get dressed for Hanukkah party and ends up putting on outfit that pathetically coordinates with boyfriend- age 13
- En route to Hanukkah party, Holly passes out "lunch" to everyone in the car which consists of Junior Mints and sour gummy worms-Age 9
-Holly ruins one batch of falafel, butcher's pronouncing "challah", and pretends not to know anything about the Kardashians as they are mentioned casually in conversation- Age 18
- Holly helps set table, clean latke plates, and ogle over oldest sister's wedding ring in front of boyfriend- Age 30
-Paige spends most of the day at home watching The Jersey Shore re re-runs, ends up decidedly dumber because of it- age 15
-Paige heads to Hells Kitchen for childhood best friends also Faux Birthday party (they were born on the same useless day of Dec. 27th), the classy soire takes place at her fancy buildings upstairs communal room, girls wear dresses and boys wear ties- Age 32
-There are red and green holiday Jell-o Shots- Age 19
-The party moves down to Tribeca to see an 80's cover band- Age 25
-On the way Paige starts a snowball fight- Age 12
-Everyone "battle dances" ala Jersey Shore, Paige pranks her bestie by leaving her besties phone number for the bartender, everyone sings along to songs from Dirty Dancing- Age 23
-On the way home Paige's cab gets caught in a snow drift and Paige has to push it out, feels really proud of herself- Age 32


-Paige and one of our roommates meet at Paige's boyfriend's coffee shop, they read the Sunday Times and drink tea- Age 50
-Snow Angels on SoHo sidewalks- Age 12-Paige spends the rest of the day reading on the couch at home and doesn't even check to see whats on Lifetime- Age 40 and STRANGE-Holly and boyfriend set home, Holly eating remaining Junior Mints, reading and re-reading about soup in NY Mag, and takes pics of her boyfriend sleeping- Age 40 and STRANGE
-Later, Paige stand over her suitcase and pouts about hating to pack- Age 9
-Until Holly tries to help with packing, "what about your sequin blazer? Your teal kimono? Your see-through teal blouse? Your skin-tight sequin dress? Oh, you wore that for Thanksgiving." Age 20
-Paige says a long good bye to the roommates, we share a long sad hug because we are about to be separated for the longest time in two years (last year Holly spent Christmas in Delaware with Paige's family) we promise to think of each other every day ("we will be looking at the same moon!")-
Age 13-Paige goes to her boyfriends house, they order delivery, exchange Christmas presents, watch a documentary about Japanese dolphin slaughter and go to bed at a reasonable hour- Age 35
-Holly and boyfriend order Thai, and join girlpile on couch watching Christmas Vacation which is still funny-Age 18
Napping to anything but Miley at Brooklyn Bowl, drunk packing hot pink terrycloth in an attempt to impress, and a sober packing sob fit make us...17.7 yrs. old. Apparently sketchily taking pictures of people sleeping and not watching Lifetime doesn't make up for unicorn-themed desserts.
We will continue our Maturity Index on January 4th, 2010. This will be after Paige's New Year with her baby bro in town, and Holly's New Year's in Aruba with her Minnesotan family.
Forever Your Girls,
Paige and Holly

1 comment:

  1. What I would very VERY much like to know is what book could have possibly kept Tibbs away from Lifetime on Sunday? Or the USA back to back to back airings of "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days"/"Sweet Home Alabama"/"Echanted"?