Thursday, June 28, 2012

MATURITY INDEX REBOOT


Hello beloved readers (friends, Barb and Linda)! We know it’s been a while and we are sure you've been losing your minds wondering what we've been up to, seeing as we haven't written in so long. Maybe some of you assumed we ran away together, or invented something amazing like Pajama Jeans or Babiators , or we started hanging out with the “wrong” crowd. 

Well, in reality we were just busy aging a few years, getting a tax bracket richer, and no longer living in the same house (still on the same block though, don't worry). We've gotten new jobs, shop places besides Forever 21 (sometimes...), consume a bit less candy, drink more expensive booze and have maybe, sorta, a tiny bit, grown up. We are a collective 26.75 years old now. But some things never change, and just because you are no longer "dirt poor" doesn't mean that you'll give up drinking blush "flavored" Andre straight from the bottle. It also doesn't mean that you won’t still cram 5 girls into a New Jersey hotel room for annual girls weekend. Thusly, this weekend allowed us a perfect opportunity to write a throwback Maturity Index, Atlantic City style. Please enjoy. 

 
 "WE RUN THIS TOWN!!! Sorry, didn't mean to yell, yes, we'll keep it down"
Saturday:
-Paige wakes up at 7am after three hours of sleep and calls Holly to make sure she's awake, then does some exhausted, hung-over packing. Forgets toothbrush and bra but somehow remembers three pairs of 7"-heel wooden, platform shoes. – Age 19
-Holly wakes up at 7am and does (3) Fitsugar.com “Clam Series” workout videos from her boyfriend's computer while simultaneously watching last week’s episode of The Real Housewives of NY on the TV – Age 30
-Paige shows up at Holly's apartment around the corner, they walk to the bagel store to get breakfast for all the girls in the car - Age 40
-Holly buys her boyfriend the world’s priciest orange juice at the store as an apology for waking him up with Countess LuAnne fighting with Ramona- Age 28
-Holly and Paige make him take pictures of them with their bagels and suitcases - Age 20
-Holly and Paige have matching suitcases- Age 12
 
 If these bags could talk! They'd probably say: "Please take out this wet bathing suit that's been rotting in here since last summer.

-Paige calls a car service to bring them into Manhattan to meet the other girls, calls the driver "buddy" - Age 35
-While chatting in the car both Holly and Paige compare candy wrappers found on the bottom of their purses - Age 12
-After a 10 minute car ride to Manhattan, Paige and Holly already have to pee and do so and Emily and Jess' apartment before they head to AC - Age 4
-In the car everyone notices Paige's rock climbing-induced bruises, all ladies discuss the virtues of iron supplements everyone shares their vitamin regimen (Holly’s recommendation is Madonna’s "Egyptian Magic Cream") - Age 54
-All girls sing "Call Me Maybe" in its entirety no less than 5 times - Age 11
-Paige claims this weekend is the last time she will ever allow herself to listen to that song- Age 26
-Out of touch with "what the kids are listening to" Paige and Holly ask the other girls in the car to explain Dub Step to them- Age 46
-As they make their way into the town of Atlantic City the girls roll down all the windows and start screaming "wooooo wooooooo" and fist pumping, this continues for an awkwardly long period of time- Age 16
- The girls go to the world’s sketchiest liquor store where Paige leaves her debit card and Holly accidentally tells the cashier her pin number -Age 22
- Paige buys a bottle of Sweet Tea vodka and a bucket of lemonade- Age 21
-Holly buys a $6.54 bottle Andre (Blush-flavored) -Age 18
-Finally at the hotel, Sarah and Em argue with Borgata concierge about getting into The Water club at 2:00 instead of 4:00 while Page and Holly twiddle thumbs in the background, 100% unhelpful - Age 8
- All 5 girls get lawn chairs on a patch of grass that is adjacent to the kiddie pool – Age 12
- All 5 girls order Miami Vice’s (Pina Colada and Strawberry Daiquiri combo), Paige and Holly have theirs with whipped cream on top – Age 17
 
Whipped cream AND a floater!
- Paige puts on a tiny bit of sunscreen- Age 26
- The girls finally get their room and decide on a lunch consisting of $18 Cobb salads and $12 French fries- Age 37
- After lunch, everyone goes to the outlet mall nearby, mostly for the probability there will be an ice cream store – Age 13
- Alas, the Lucky Cone ice cream store has shuttered so everyone gets McDonald’s flurries – Age 13
- Holly poses (expertly) next to her favorite mannequin at a Dress Barn type shop- Age 22 (because that's how old she was the last time she did it. See picture for reference).
 
 2012 vs. 2010. Not much has changed.
- What we bought at the outlets:
Paige:
--Crotch-length striped dress- Age 18
--Crotch-length leopard print dress- Age 19
--Morning-after Rockstar drink- Age 21
Holly:
--Paige-esque cork wedges from J.Crew- Age 26
--See-though gingham shirt for work- Age 22
--White cotton fingertip-length skirt- Age 22
--A non-see through not-too-short shirt for “Baby” aka Shawn - Age 29

-Everyone goes back to the hotel to lie down, watch Seinfeld and take long showers- Age 52
 
Seinfeld Snuggle 
- Holly puts her iPod on (Paige rolls her eyes/groans loudly) so everyone can hear one-hit-wonder hip hop songs from 3 years ago- at no age do people normally subject themselves to such extreme embarrassment.
- Paige makes herself a cocktail that Holly finds delicious- Age 27
-Holly suggests they “share” and then drinks the rest – Age 11
-Holly starts using her baby-talk voice and no one even tells her to knock it off- Age 3
-The ladies order room service of $17 PB&J sandwiches with bread made of french toast- Age 11
 
 -Holly and Paige play a mix of:
--"She drives me crazy" by Fine Young Cannibals -Age 31
--"What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction - Age 11
--"How Will I Know" by Whitney Houston - Age 35
--"All Coming Back to Me" by Celine Deon - Age 55

 
-All the girls dance like crazy in their party dresses on the beds -Age 16
-Paige and Holly stage a photoshoot where they look out onto "the strip" of Atlantic City and claim "WE OWN THIS CITY"- Age 17
-Before everyone leaves to go out Holly stands on the bed and makes a speech into a hairbrush "microphone" - Age 12
--The speech turns tearful as she thanks all the girls for being "such great people", everyone girlpiles on her and says how much they love each other - Age 16

-All five girls head to "Gypsy Bar" where a killer cover band, 3am is performing. Immediately Paige and Holly elbow their way to the front of the stage to dance with the lead singer - Age 19
Wilma Flintstone and a Cougarette
-During the band's set break, all five girls huddle in a corner of the bar and talk only to each other - Age 12
-Paige orders nothing but water, six of them - Age 60
Jersey Princesses 
-Eventually, all five girls decided to "hit up the club", pay a $20 cover, stand on line, go inside, drink nothing to protest lack of bottle service being offered. - Age 20

-Inside the terrible club everyone dances half heartedly, several fights break out, and the music is sub-par. Eventually a beer gets spilled from the upper level onto Sarah. - No age, just terrible.
-Paige and Holly stay to dance until they feel they've gotten their money's worth. Decide that 15 minutes is enough, join the other girls in the casino. - Age 27
-The remainder of the night is spent back at "Gypsy Bar" with 3am, the girls crazy dance to covers of "Mr. Jones" and various songs by Pink - Age 40
A night to (actually!) remember. Progress. 
- Everyone is in bed, together and fairly sober at a decent hour - Age 37

Sunday:


-Everyone sleeps past 10am - Age 17

-Holly and Jess go down to the pool to reserve seats. Tiger Mom Holly somehow grabs five seats, arranges them all next to each other and takes breakfast orders - Age 40
-Paige and Em get reading material from the gift shop for everyone:
--Us Weekly, Star, People - Age 19
--New York Times - Age 50
Highbrow vs. the lowestbrow
-Holly and Paige try to peer pressure everyone into drinking at 10:30am - Age 20
-No one takes the bait so Holly and Paige order their own $14 cocktails and lead everyone into the pool to discuss being working girls in NYC- Age 27
                                   
The whole team
-Everyone pouts as its time to leave; Paige calls that she gets to sit ‘bitch’ in Jess' car  – Age 9
-Pull over to the worst ever “rest station” with food choices that only include Burger King, Sbarro, Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs, and Starbucks. 
Paige gets a giant pretzel and eats two bites– Age 9  
Holly get a $8 Sbarro salad, Sbarro fruit cup, and Sbarro coffee (all things Sbarro does surprisingly well according to Holly) – Age 61
-Paige, Holly and Sarah get dropped at the C train, and are “proud” when it shows up in a timely manner. "C Train, you are doing SO good!"- Age 13
-Holly takes sneaky pictures of Paige and Sarah on the train – Age 13
- An adorable racially ambiguous baby makes friends with Holly (according to Holly). Holly ‘coos’ to the beautiful baby while Paige remarks what a great mom the baby has for providing it with “crudité”- Age 72
-Holly goes home to wait for her boyfriend to arrive after his long day of washing down pancakes with frozen margaritas – Age 21
-Paige goes home to clean under her bed, alphabetize her literature, and organize her shoes – (Just kidding, Paige does these things once a decade). Instead she meets a friend for drinks to cope with her "weekend-end phobia" – Age 26
The Results:
Surprise, surprise. The two of us getting older means we act older! Our Atlantic City reboot age is 25, which is still younger that our actual age. Which makes us both feel younger and more beautiful! We can do anything! We own Atlantic City!
Note: Paige and Holly will not be blogging as regularly as they did when they made so little money they actually qualified for food stamps. However, they love making everyone read about their adventures and friendship so they will post anytime something incredible happens. 
Next up, Paige, Holly and Sarah do Wilmington, Delaware (in a rented Chevy Malibu or similar) to see Magic Mike with Paige’s mom and drink "Tipsy’s" under the Delaware moon while listening to the soft bubbling of the Tibbett’s Koi pond.

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